LGBT wisdom from Winnie the Pooh and friends

As we all know, Winnie the Pooh and his friends are all very wise. Here's just one excellent proof from dear Piglet -- “The things that make me different are the things that make me, Me."

Sadly for me, the things that make me different very often make people dislike me -- even before they know me! They also sometimes make me feel badly about myself. The truth is, there are lots of times in my life when I don't want to be me! My recurring comment to those who joke about me to my face is, "If you think it's hard being with me, try being me!" After all, I'm all I've got, and I'm stuck with me!

How do we learn that being different is bad? What are the nuances of growing up that make us think being homogeneous is better than being uniquely you and me? And why do those old, crushing voices echo so loudly through the years? Oh, the power of the human psyche! Ugh.

It shouldn't be so hard to be who you are! Here are the things that help make me uniquely me and that so often get me into trouble!

...I'm loudly extroverted.
...I hug everyone.
...I laugh and smile a lot. (That really freaks people out for some reason!)
...I love everyone. (Especially if everyone else hates them or gives up on them.)
...I don't care about sports teams of any kind, but I do like playing sports.
...Gray is my favorite color. (Really! Don't judge me! Lol...)
...I prefer a roomful of strangers to a roomful of friends.
...I'll talk to anyone.
...It's nearly impossible for me to hide my feelings.
...I only have highs and lows.
...My external and internal selves don't always jive.
...I cry easily. (I'm a tender feller!)
...I doubt everyone's love for me.
...I play the piano to cathart.

I wish I was (subjunctive/"were" felt too prissy) quiet and gentle, slow and steady, solid and sure. But I'm not; it's just not who I am. I'm trying to temper the me in me as I get older. But sometimes it's fake; that's not me. And I don't want to fight any more. I want to be a good me, but man that's hard work! Seems to me it shouldn't be so hard to be who I am!

And for so many of my gay friends and colleagues, trying just to be who they are can be so much harder because of the overt hate of too, too many people. (Yes, I know that's ridiculous in 2014! Just a sad reality, huh.)

I was at a gathering of some amazing folks the other evening at the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center talking about the exciting future for that vital unifying place. And, as I looked around the room, I found it absolutely thrilling to see the marvelous variety of men and women! It was one of those rare places and experiences where diversity wasn't the least bit "tolerated" -- it was prized! It's a place where you being you -- or trying to be you though in the face of harsh and cruel pressures of the hating world -- is considered a beautiful gift! There was love and laughter, heart sharing and tenderness, challenge and daring thinking in a way that I have seldom known elsewhere. It's a place where you don't have to be afraid.

The LGBT conundrum, from the perspective of my little corner of the world, is finding out where, when, and how to be real. It's overcoming the ache and fear that comes from being wonderfully unique and being treated badly for it. It's knowing who you are and people wanting you not to be you. It's being lovable and good and hopeful like anyone else but being given double and triple challenges just to be accepted. Yeah, I know we've made progress and we're making progress right now -- but as long as any LGBT man, woman, boy, or girl has to hang their head, hoping, wondering where they're safe and how they'll make it through today, we've got work to do! Big work -- and lots of it! Are you someone who helps or harms the cause?

I have places to go for safety and refuge -- where I can be the real me. I hope you do, too!

Love and hugs, Steve :-) xo

p.s. "If everybody were like everybody else, how boring it would be." -- A helpful reminder from our dreary friend, Eeyore

Empathy is best applied in silence...

If you want to get into the hearts of people, you have to use the right tools! I'm finally learning (ridiculously late in life!) that some of the obvious ones are still the best ones, like silence, gentle replies, shared laughter, and shared tears.

The two main reasons why we don't get very far with people who hate or disagree or argue? No one wants to listen, but everyone wants to be heard! If it weren't rude, I'd tell everyone to shut up and don't speak again until you can hold a conversation that allows for both speaking AND listening! And, if words are absolutely required, how about using some gentle ones?

Anjelica Huston says it perfectly (though with wrong intentions) to her daughter in the film "Ever After":

"...don't speak unless you can improve the silence."

I've come face to face with myself recently and have learned to my shame that my extroversion really has to be held in check more, and I need to practice the proposed art of shutting up! As a man who wants to love and lift people's spirits, I mean that sincerely! More often than not, words really aren't even necessary when trying to love someone. A sense of empathy, shared tears or laughter more than meet the need. Empathy is best applied in silence.

And, when words do become necessary, gentle ones sure seem to work much more effectively than angry ones -- especially when disagreement is part of the conversation. Some of the old wisdom never fails to help:

"...a gentle word can get through to the hard-headed."

I'm trying some experiments with that theory -- which requires some intentionality on my part. And because it's a person on the other side of the sharing, I know the effort is always worth it. I'm going to try to lower my voice, slow down, speak more quietly, and make sure the intentions behind this effort are completely sincere.

And if silence or gentle words don't build the hoped-for bridge between people, there's always laughter!

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." -- Mark Twain

I have laughed with people who hate me more than ever in the last few months. And it's an amazing catharsis; it changes everything in the relationship. It feels good. It's healing. Laughter helps create a safer environment for discussing our differences with less venom and a comfortable space for comparing the parallels of our lives with a lot more pleasure. Every time. I'll be a clown or buffoon because I know that laughter can help sledgehammer walls that divide as much as -- perhaps even more than! -- anything else ever could! And with a lot less grief...

And finally, when hearts open, and we get to really love one another for who we are, then sometimes even tears are welcome! Tears of empathy and love and shared pain -- or tears of shared joy and laughter! Oh, those times the tears have come, and I'm willing to be vulnerable to another person, those are sacred moments that change the world -- because they change me!

I want desperately to be a catalyst for positive change wherever I go, with whoever I meet, especially where hate and hurt are so strong. So, I pledge all the best I have to offer -- silence, gentle words, laughter, and tears -- and anything else that will help love to reign!

Let me know what you think...I'll be listening! :-) Steve xo

LGBT: Fragile! Please handle with care...

Most folks have put the Christmas baubles away for the season, but would you mind picturing one of those old-fashioned, round, and very fragile glass balls? That's the perfect picture of how we should treat the people in our lives: very gingerly placed into our hands to tend, love, and care for. And yet, some folks smash people to pieces as though of little more value than a simple, glass bauble! Heartbreaking in terms of basic humanity.

I ache when I know I've hurt someone's feelings. And I'll do whatever I can to make things right -- not least of all apologizing with all due sincerity! That's a huge change in my life from when I was a young man and enjoyed being belligerent, provocative, and combative. (Forgive me, I'm being too kind to me -- the truth is, I was a mean and hate-filled young man!) I'm paying for those harsh years by living now with a tender heart and ready tears for the pain of others. I like the change, though it's costly.

I don't think I've ever seen such hurt and harm as in the great LGBT debate. And, if you know me at all, you'll know my take on the "debate" and where my voice will be used! I'm very protective of the LGBT community and resent the pain endured through the hate and anger of those who speak and write what should never be spoken or written!

Where have all these dark conversations come from? And who decided that it's OK to be so overtly mean? Choices of words, tones of voices, themes and inferences so dastardly that I wish I could somehow block them from the viewing and hearing of every gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender person anywhere and everywhere!

The phrase I'm hearing more and more from those interested in the health and wellbeing of the gay world is, "Who even talks like that?!" I like the question because -- though rhetorical -- it's easily answered! People who spout such hatred and vitriol are ignorant, limited individuals who need to do some learning about the basic attributes of human decency!

To think that any good can come of spouting and spewing is pure folly.

The greatest concern I have globally is that the church would reclaim its voice for good -- for help, not harm. I pray the church becomes exemplary in living out grace and mercy. I plead with those called to love, to love -- and not selectively! I wish the use of voice and silence would be equally valued and both rightly used. I dare those who claim to be something good, holy, and pure would live it out through gentleness, kindness, and goodness.

None of that is too much to ask. In fact, it's pretty foundational.

Let's choose to do anything and everything we can to stop the hurt. Let's choose gentle, kind, and helpful words over the other options. Let's choose the high road even if others choose the low road. Let's choose quiet replies even when louder ones feel more appropriate. Let's not respond quickly and thoughtlessly when a little time to calm the conversation will bring about a much more productive result. Let's value each other as the unique and marvelous individuals we are!

Maybe that's too much to ask? Nah! We can do it...starting...NOW! :-)

Cheering you on as you cheer me on. Let's work together to bring loving kindness back into vogue. Love, Steve xo

...a gentle word can get through to the hard-headed. (Proverbs 25:15)

A Helpful LGBT Example

Why aren't you you? Why aren't I me? Because we so often play up to someone else, trying to satisfy their expectations. And when we finally have a quiet space to listen to our head and heart -- honestly -- it's just so terrifying, we have to get out as quickly as possible. (Sorry I'm using plural -- I'm really talking about me, but I can't face this alone!)

I stopped for just a brief moment to ask who I'm playing up to these days, and I'm irritated with myself. The people whose endorsement or nod of approval means so much, most of them are of no true significance to me being my best, fullest, most whole self. Why do I sell myself so often to the cheapest bidder? Why do I give them power over me to be less than I should be, to sink to their low level of humanity, to try to earn their acceptance and approval?

I seem to always have at least one person in my life who, quite simply, does not accept me just as I am -- though, if you ask me, I don't think I that bad or that hard to love. But, put one important person in my path who's contrary or difficult, and my bend-over-backwards attempts at acceptance go into overdrive!

But I have a good example to learn from. We're in a healthy and helpful period in history when a whole segment and vital part of our society -- the LGBT Community -- is giving me the example I need -- saying, "No more!" They've determined that others don't set their life rules. They -- at long last -- get to be who they are -- lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. I'm glad that more and more gay people are so far ahead of me. They're refusing to play the acceptance games. They're refusing to blend in. They're refusing to be who anyone thinks they oughta be. They're simply being who they are. And that's a beautiful example to us all -- certainly to me! Are you openly and completely you? And, if not, who are you allowing to cause you to shrink or hide?

Even though it's probably a tired theme, the closet isn't a wrong metaphor. And many of them have a doorknob on each side. Is someone holding your closet door shut, not letting you out to be whoever you are (that's not just a gay theme after all!), or are you holding yourself in? Or have you simply given up on life, curled up in a ball on a heap of rumpled clothes in the closet, intent on never being brave enough to be you?

Come out, come out whoever you are! And be who you are. Don't wait. Don't ask permission. Don't dither or delay. Just be the person you've always been meant to be -- full of joy, love, smiles, and laughter. Don't believe the liars -- you deserve to be you, and you deserve to be happy!

I promise to be me, if you promise to be you! :-) Love, Steve xo

Some inspiration:

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Always be a first rate version of yourself and not a second rate version of someone else.” ― Judy Garland

“Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.” ― Harvey Fierstein

“About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all.” ― Rita Mae Brown

An LGBT Pep Talk!

Playing in a stadium or performing in a theatre is much more fun with a crowd cheering you on!

Who celebrates you? Who cheers for you? Who backs you up, and talks to everyone about you, and can't wait to be with you, and is excited at the very thought of you? If you can't picture anyone, at least know that I'm cheering for you! :-) And I'm inviting people to fill your life stadium to celebrate you! Just imagine it...

We all need people in our lives who love us, adore us, like us, cherish us...we all need to know that we're wanted.

I know parents and neighbors and church members (even clergy!) and too many others who have made it patently clear that gay folks are not wanted. How does that sit with you? What if it were you they were sneering at? If I were to be allowed an opinion, I think gay folks sure have endured more than their fair share of roughing up. The LGBT community's enemies' words, facial expressions, body language, writings, rantings, and gestures confirm their distaste all too plainly. The reason I find that so despicable is that the hate is often founded on nothing more than labels, not based on a relationship or knowledge of the real person! It's one thing to hate someone because of some harm they might have caused; but it's disgusting -- is reprehensible too strong a word? -- to hate without any reason!

For example, if examples were even necessary: What kind of a person turns a New Year's Eve celebration into a terrorizing event? What kind of person would set a building on fire -- a well-known gay bar in Seattle -- with 750 party-goers above? Who thinks hate and attempted murder and this kind of action are OK? Who taught that kind of hate?

http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2014/01/seattle-new-years-eve-arson-attempt-at.html

There are too many traumatizing stories in the global LGBT community in the last year that need to wake us all and shake us all into action! (Too many with much sadder results than the fire -- broken bones, bruises, maimings, death; not forgetting the emotional trauma of fear, intimidation, bullying.) The LGBT community doesn't just need allies to come alongside, sometimes the community needs advocates who dare to speak out/on behalf of, to stand in front of and protect, who work behind the scenes, who pay the price, who dare to take up the cause because it's just the right thing to do! We need to be people who won't give up, won't shut up, won't be satisfied, won't say "It's OK" when it's not, won't stop living and loving and learning about how justice and right have to play out in this season of history.

We have to feel passionately; we have to share the pain. We need everyone to do their part. We need to spend less time worrying about, or fretting over, the haters; and we need to spend much more time and energy simply making things right and leaving the haters with the taste of dust in their mouths as we pass them by.

If you're overwhelmed in the fight for right, remember this excellent advice: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Hate is evil for sure, but we'll overcome with love!

We need to believe that love, acceptance, and unity not only can win, they will win! I believe you and I can make the difference -- or I wouldn't be typing right now! :-) In fact, we ARE the difference! So...add another log to the fire of your passion, and let's get going!

Cheering you on while you cheer me on! Much love...Steve xo