The best LGBT conversations include honesty, good manners, and common decency

A flat tire doesn't need much air to get a car back on the road; but you have to fix the leak, or it'll just keep deflating.

That's an illustration of how things seem to me in the ongoing onslaught against gay people: We keep filling up the tire (hoping things will get better for our LGBT friends), but there's a bad leak that goes un-repaired  (and we still seem to be losing ground)! Yes, there's some definite, real progress -- but it's too often baby steps when we should more rightly be making strides! (Sorry for the mixed metaphor of tires and strides!) And every time the LGBT community and their allies seem to have cause to smile, we're given yet another reason or two (or more!) to lose our joy! And that's very sad and hurtful and harmful to the cause of unity and mutual respect.

What's missing -- and would make all the difference -- is space to grow and learn.

It's like the game of Red rover we played as kids. We're calling each other to come over to our side, our way if thinking, but no one wants to! Funny thing in Red Rover is that there were never really any sides! When we were done with our kids' game, we'd all just collapse in one heap, laughing, smiling, reliving our silliness, glad that we were all friends together.

But hate is still doing its best work: dividing people from people, friends from friends. Where's the joy in that?

Where can people go to have a real conversation? Where can people go to honestly disagree? Where can people go to listen and be heard? Where can people go to be right or wrong? And where can we do all that without hate and anger and shouting and nastiness taking over? Where can we do that and find empathy and acceptance and good manners and common decency?

Honesty doesn't just happen; it needs a safe place to exist and grow, like a fragile orchid. It needs a safe place to be sensible or stupid. It needs a place to think out loud, measure the words, and mold them to new ways of thinking and acting. And then, most importantly, honesty needs a safe place to be corrected or helped or guided when correction, help, or guidance are needed. Without humiliation. Or embarrassment. Or cruelty. Or hate. Or harm. Or disrespect. Honesty happens when people know they're safe because it's understood that each person really does want what's best for everyone and every one.

Too many conversations of national and international importance to the LGBT community have become instant conflagrations, are routinely incendiary. (Fun using big words like that!) It's the atmosphere surrounding these conversations that makes them unhelpful -- when we desperately need helpful conversations!

I'm not sure what the best answer is, or,if there is an answer; I suppose it's different each time a conversation is raised. I'm just trying to figure out day by day how to use both my voice and my silence to best effect. But either way, I want what I do to be based on loving acceptance of people -- those I love and like, and those I continue to struggle to love and like!

Here's to renewed efforts to communicate well, love well, and create a safe environment where honest conversations can helpfully take place.

Hopeful...and wanting to be helpful! :-) Steve xo

Being LGBT isn't a passing fad!

I'm desperately hopeful that hate decreases and love increases in 2014...not least of all because 2013 wasn't a banner year in terms of loving kindness, if you ask me! I regret sometimes spending so much time reading about the hate the LGBT community has had to endure. It's as if some folks think that if there's more volume on the hate, it's going to somehow make "the gays" disappear. Whatever the thinking, let me share one vital, simple, plain thought on the subject:

Being LGBT isn't a passing fad!

"They" are not going away. And if haters changed their harsh and hateful ways, they might actually learn something better: That LGBT people aren't a thing to be bemoaned, they're people to be appreciated, respected, admired, and loved! That's why I have no trouble kindly and respectfully asking any hater of any kind of any people anywhere to do something better with their time and energy and voice in 2014:

Learn to love...please...!

I don't know if haters are New Years Resolution Makers, but that one would be a win for us all! There are lots of ways to make love happen; would any of these work for you?

-- Go somewhere you wouldn't normally go, and spend time with people you wouldn't normally spend time with -- i.e. gay bar/club, church, LGBT community resource center, Christian food pantry or homeless program...whatever...wherever!

-- While you're there, make a point of meeting someone -- by name -- in that group of people you've struggled with previously. Have a real conversation, meaning: Be honest about who you are; then honestly listen as they share who they are.

-- When you meet someone who's been harmed by "your kind," say you're sorry -- and mean it! And keep saying it until you're both convinced!

-- Remember, there's no such thing as a "simple" act of love or kindness! Hug, handshake, kiss, love in whatever way you can, as often as you can, to as many people as you can! Especially those with whom you were formerly uncomfortable.

-- Memorize this verse from the Bible (whether you like the Bible or not!): "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18 NIV) Then live it in thought, word, and deed! Do your part!

If all else fails, and 2014 doesn't move you from hate all the way to love, remember: Even if you can choose to hate less, that's progress! :-) My plan is to love more people more intentionally and more often throughout 2014 than I did in 2013! You?

Happy New Year...hope your 2014 is wonderful! Love and prayers to you and everyone you love and everyone you're learning to love! :-) Steve xo

An LGBT Christmas

Funny what hits you. I've heard the Christmas story for 49 years. But it was only this season that one word stood out and gave me fresh hope for my LGBT friends: "Everyone!"

Actually, that's my personal paraphrase! Here's how it actually reads in Luke 2 (remember, it's the angel talking; cool, huh!) -- “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people." (Luke 2:10 NIV)

Yeah, it's a modern translation -- not quite so snazzy as the King James Version: "Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people." (Luke 2:10)

Do you agree with me (sadly) that some Christians need to be reminded that this whole God-loving-everyone and Jesus-coming-for-everyone thing really is all-inclusive?

As that one word/thought/theme got me thinking, it seemed the whole story came alive in a fresh, gay way! That old story felt new -- good news for LGBT people who've been so purposefully excluded too many times in too many places by too many people. (The reason I say that is that Roman Christmas lights in remembrance of a young gay man who commits suicide should not create a furore; they should more rightly cause tears of sadness and greater efforts at reconciliation!)

Tell me these aren't good themes for everyone in the Christmas story: don't be afraid, good news for everyone, today hope is born...plus you just can't go wrong with all those cute little shepherds and lambs...and a baby...awwwww! :-)

So, dear Christians, here's your Christmas reminder: You may want to be stingy with the good news and keep it from your LGBT family and friends and neighbors and colleagues. But God's good news, the joyful news, really is for EVERYONE...and I'm glad that includes even me!

Merry Christmas, and a very happy 2014! With love and prayers...Steve xoxo

p.s. I must figure out how to bring the word "behold" back into routine conversation...

Don't talk about me -- talk to me!

I've been forced to return over and over again to blogs and Tweets written about me (generically). The hurt has been immense, even heartbreaking and sleep-depriving. They drive me to dare to ask a favor of you -- if you don't like me or if you hate me for my labels:

Don't talk about me -- talk to me! And with me. Like having a conversation. And getting to know each other. And liking each other, or struggling to like each other. Or learning to be friends, or learning to respect and appreciate one another. Without hate. Or venom. Or vitriol. Or anger. There's just no need. We don't really even have to be fiends if that's asking too much -- but what a wonderful gift if we could be friends, though different!

It's OK to be you! And I hope you'll let me be me. Especially knowing that I'm trying my best to be my best. Trying really, really hard to be worth knowing. Knowing that I want to be kind and caring and friendly and accepting. Knowing that I don't have all the answers and am confused by the speed the world is turning these days and am trying desperately to understand things that I didn't get to learn growing up when and where I grew up.

I'm just a guy -- a guy trying desperately to be worthy of trust. I want you to know that your feelings matter to me, as well as your dreams and hopes and aspirations for your life! I want you to know lots of love and joy and smiles and laughter. I don't want you to be lonely or isolated or separated from the things and people you love!

You don't have to be like me; in fact, that would be awful! Life's best texture is found in our differences and uniquenesses. Be you! And I'll celebrate that with you! You're a treasure, a gift, a wonderful blessing to the world! I'm glad you're alive. I celebrate the day you were born. And I celebrate the person you are and the person you want to be and are becoming.

I'm growing and evolving. I don't recognize the me I am today compared with even 5 or 10 or 20 years ago. Definitely more loving and kind and considerate and caring. But still wanting to grow to be even more loving and kind and considerate and caring.

And when you and I grow to like and love each other, I hope you'll be as protective of me, and thoughtful of my deep, sincere feelings, as I am of you and yours.

If you're gay, please be a good gay person. If you're straight, please be a good straight person. If you're a Christian or person of whatever faith, be a worthy example of all that represents at its very best. If you're not a person of faith, be a person of goodness and kindness and all things admirable.

We really don't have to yell and sneer and jeer and be angry and hateful to each other. I know I'm not going to be. I like loving kindness and respect so much better! So, please...let's talk...xo :-)

 

My LGBT epiphany

I was sucker punched by some bloggers the other day who had a bone to pick with my branch of "The Church." After the usual wave of hurt, ager, and sadness, I had an epiphany--as from a Christmas angel! "It's not about you and your feelings, Steve--stop and listen to them--there are lessons to be learned!" And as soon as I stopped and listened (well, re-read!), everything changed. And I sat back and took it all in...and have begun to learn some fresh and valuable lessons.

Instead of getting angry, shouting back, or rebuttal, it's time to thank those who decry the church--especially in terms of our relationship with the global LGBT community. After all, if we'd stop, listen, pray, and contemplate, I think we'd find out--they're not wrong! But then the hard part: eating humble pie and pledging to do better! Individually and corporately. I don't know what's so hard about saying with honesty and sincerity: "I'm sorry...SO sorry!"

But the answer I get too often is, "Why?! For what?!"

So let me fill you in...Why?! Because there's real hurt. Because there's real pain. Because there's real anger and sadness and isolation. Because the church HAS been the source of confusion and alienation and has engendered a sense of superiority rather than humility. Because LGBT people have been treated badly by the church; the church has acted in ways Jesus never would. The church has treated gay people as if they're a problem, a burden, a threat. And if I had to hear years of vitriol from pulpits and parishioners about who I am, I'd want to fight back in any way I could, too!

I believe prophetic voices are calling out to the church. And I don't think the church likes it. But we ignore the voices and messages at our peril. Could God possibly have it in mind to use unexpected voices to help the church be its best? Is it OK to ignore a message just because we don't like the messenger or the way the message is presented or what the message is?

The message is actually quite simple: "Listen, learn, and love! Oh...and be better than you have been!"

Dan Savage, one of the loudest and most listened-to voices on all things LGBT (I'm a huge fan of his "It Gets Better" campaign) rightly points out ungodly behavior. He and others know the difference, using Scripture and historical knowledge to speak against hypocrisy. He's not wrong. (Well, not entirely!) Or John Aravosis...or Michael Hulshof-Schmidt...or any number of other strong voices. They have things to teach us, if we'll choose to be teachable!

In this whole LGBT v. "The Church" business here's where I stand: I'm listening. I'm learning. I'm stinging. I'm trying. And, most of all, I'm sorry...truly sorry! And I wish desperately that church leaders and contrarian voices would get together in a room. And I only want one comment and one request to be made before the church leaders sit back and listen (a hard assignment for preachers!):

--Comment: We're sorry for the pain we've caused the LGBT community through the years.
--Request: What can we do to make things right?

I thank God for those men and women who take the time and trouble to point their fingers directly at the church (directly at me!), decry its wrongs, and call it to be what it's meant to be!

To those who've written and spoken hard truths that I'd rather not hear: Thank you! Sincerely...xo

Definition of Epiphany: "A moment in which you suddenly see or understand something in a new or very clear way." (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/epiphany)

LGBT people aren't a subject to be debated...

I get into people. But debates about people irritate me. That's mainly because the ones I've watched unfold tend to end up being very unhelpful and very hurtful -- with participants becoming louder, meaner, and unkinder! Whenever and however we dehumanize people into subjects to be debated, we fail.

I wonder how much time those who decry this or that section of the population spend with this or that section of the population. Simple wisdom suggests to me that a better use of time would be hanging out with and getting to know those people! Listening, learning, loving, caring for them. Sharing life with them. Learning their story and discovering that their story is incredible! Respecting variety and honoring uniqueness.

Maybe you're tired of debating, but you've painted yourself into a corner and don't know what to do. Let me help you with a vital life lesson: Paint Dries! Get up, move to where you ought to be! Hug the one you used to hate, and enjoy your new friend!

Whenever I hear the volume and tension grow on the all-too-popular debating theme of LGBT people, I want to ask the debater just a few obvious questions -- simply, quietly, courteously:

-- How many gay people do you actually know?

-- How many gay people would you consider friends?

-- How many gay people would consider you their friend?

How can you learn to love someone you won't even talk to? LGBT people aren't a subject to be debated, they're people to love -- like all people -- like you and me!

I've predetermined my New Year's resolution for 2014, and it's a doozy! I'm going to choose to spend time with people I wouldn't normally spend time with! I know people who hate me based on my life labels. I know people that, if they really knew me -- who I am in my real and best self -- they'd hate me even more! So I guess that means I'm on the lookout for haters! But when I get to them, I don't want to debate who I am, and I don't want to debate who they are -- I just want my life and the way I live to be proof enough that I am...

...a man of love and grace and mercy,

...a man who believes in and works for justice and who defends the oppressed,

...a man whose purpose is to live and breath for the sake others!

I mean it! And I'm going to keep growing in that throughout this next year -- starting now! Please feel free to hold me accountable and ask for tangible proof that I'm keeping my word!

Here's what I want to do: Love you not debate you...whoever you are! :-) xo