But what hurts most of all, I suppose, was the sense of him wanting me to unfriend real friends. This isn't Facebook we're talking about where you just click a few clicks and -- voila! -- the person is dead to you. These are real friends. People who matter to me. People I love and want to be worthy of using that strong word, "Friend!"
But his letter hurt me badly. And it still does. I suppose anytime someone hugs you as a supposed friend and stabs you in the back at the same time -- well, do you agree there might be something painful and wrong with that?
I think I would have gotten over that one actually if, within a matter of only a few days, I hadn't received another missive -- from another hater! This one much more brief, much more distilled, much darker and more soul destroying. It sent me reeling. And, even as I write, I feel my innards quivering and a layer of fear coming over me again -- weeks later -- simply at the recollection.
I've felt vulnerable and afraid; I've felt isolated and alone; I've felt like a target; I've felt rejected and sneered at; I've been slapped and spanked (figuratively); I've been castigated and humiliated...all courtesy of "good Christians." Want to know what hurts most of all in my experience? That!
Here's my daily challenge, my daily choice: The life of love. And not just because I'm supposed to but because I can't even help it considering how good and kind God has been to me -- something like this: "Follow God’s example...and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us..." (Ephesians 5:1-2 NIV) If I were God, I'm not sure I would love me knowing what my life is and has been! But he does. And he's asked me to share that with others. So I try!
My pledge: I'm going to press on, no matter what I receive in return for my efforts -- support, encouragement, smiles, gladness...or slaps, sneers, letters of I-don't-care-how-many-pages, hate...your response/their response to my life service isn't my responsibility, my faithfulness is! And I want to be faithful. Seriously, I do!
I know that trying to be a catalyst for positive change is daring work. But these well-known words give appropriate guidance (whoever wrote them!):
- Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour...)
- (Where there is hatred, let me sow love...)
There's no such thing as "just" words! It takes but a few seconds and a few words to inspire joy and pain, laughter and tear, smiles and frowns. Words are powerful. And words are easily underestimated and undervalued. They're very easily wasted. I've used plenty; I've been given plenty! They stick. They inspire. They scar. But we seldom know their full impact...I know I don't! (But, because I'm someone who doesn't always consider my part in a conversation as carefully as I should, I've stopped short as I write to ponder my own stewardship of words...)
I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere today! I'm writing to cathart more than anything, I suppose. But I sure don't feel better. So I failed at that. But I don't ever want to fail at what matters more: Pressing on. Staying faithful. Loving well. Doing it the way Jesus did it. Never forgetting what his pressing on, faithfulness, life of love cost him...so...
I'll keep on trying! And I'll believe that someone who comes across my sad little story will either be helped or will help me by whispering a prayer for strength and courage!
Much love to YOU...today, tomorrow, and always...Steve :-) xo
