The best LGBT conversations include honesty, good manners, and common decency

A flat tire doesn't need much air to get a car back on the road; but you have to fix the leak, or it'll just keep deflating.

That's an illustration of how things seem to me in the ongoing onslaught against gay people: We keep filling up the tire (hoping things will get better for our LGBT friends), but there's a bad leak that goes un-repaired  (and we still seem to be losing ground)! Yes, there's some definite, real progress -- but it's too often baby steps when we should more rightly be making strides! (Sorry for the mixed metaphor of tires and strides!) And every time the LGBT community and their allies seem to have cause to smile, we're given yet another reason or two (or more!) to lose our joy! And that's very sad and hurtful and harmful to the cause of unity and mutual respect.

What's missing -- and would make all the difference -- is space to grow and learn.

It's like the game of Red rover we played as kids. We're calling each other to come over to our side, our way if thinking, but no one wants to! Funny thing in Red Rover is that there were never really any sides! When we were done with our kids' game, we'd all just collapse in one heap, laughing, smiling, reliving our silliness, glad that we were all friends together.

But hate is still doing its best work: dividing people from people, friends from friends. Where's the joy in that?

Where can people go to have a real conversation? Where can people go to honestly disagree? Where can people go to listen and be heard? Where can people go to be right or wrong? And where can we do all that without hate and anger and shouting and nastiness taking over? Where can we do that and find empathy and acceptance and good manners and common decency?

Honesty doesn't just happen; it needs a safe place to exist and grow, like a fragile orchid. It needs a safe place to be sensible or stupid. It needs a place to think out loud, measure the words, and mold them to new ways of thinking and acting. And then, most importantly, honesty needs a safe place to be corrected or helped or guided when correction, help, or guidance are needed. Without humiliation. Or embarrassment. Or cruelty. Or hate. Or harm. Or disrespect. Honesty happens when people know they're safe because it's understood that each person really does want what's best for everyone and every one.

Too many conversations of national and international importance to the LGBT community have become instant conflagrations, are routinely incendiary. (Fun using big words like that!) It's the atmosphere surrounding these conversations that makes them unhelpful -- when we desperately need helpful conversations!

I'm not sure what the best answer is, or,if there is an answer; I suppose it's different each time a conversation is raised. I'm just trying to figure out day by day how to use both my voice and my silence to best effect. But either way, I want what I do to be based on loving acceptance of people -- those I love and like, and those I continue to struggle to love and like!

Here's to renewed efforts to communicate well, love well, and create a safe environment where honest conversations can helpfully take place.

Hopeful...and wanting to be helpful! :-) Steve xo

Being LGBT isn't a passing fad!

I'm desperately hopeful that hate decreases and love increases in 2014...not least of all because 2013 wasn't a banner year in terms of loving kindness, if you ask me! I regret sometimes spending so much time reading about the hate the LGBT community has had to endure. It's as if some folks think that if there's more volume on the hate, it's going to somehow make "the gays" disappear. Whatever the thinking, let me share one vital, simple, plain thought on the subject:

Being LGBT isn't a passing fad!

"They" are not going away. And if haters changed their harsh and hateful ways, they might actually learn something better: That LGBT people aren't a thing to be bemoaned, they're people to be appreciated, respected, admired, and loved! That's why I have no trouble kindly and respectfully asking any hater of any kind of any people anywhere to do something better with their time and energy and voice in 2014:

Learn to love...please...!

I don't know if haters are New Years Resolution Makers, but that one would be a win for us all! There are lots of ways to make love happen; would any of these work for you?

-- Go somewhere you wouldn't normally go, and spend time with people you wouldn't normally spend time with -- i.e. gay bar/club, church, LGBT community resource center, Christian food pantry or homeless program...whatever...wherever!

-- While you're there, make a point of meeting someone -- by name -- in that group of people you've struggled with previously. Have a real conversation, meaning: Be honest about who you are; then honestly listen as they share who they are.

-- When you meet someone who's been harmed by "your kind," say you're sorry -- and mean it! And keep saying it until you're both convinced!

-- Remember, there's no such thing as a "simple" act of love or kindness! Hug, handshake, kiss, love in whatever way you can, as often as you can, to as many people as you can! Especially those with whom you were formerly uncomfortable.

-- Memorize this verse from the Bible (whether you like the Bible or not!): "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18 NIV) Then live it in thought, word, and deed! Do your part!

If all else fails, and 2014 doesn't move you from hate all the way to love, remember: Even if you can choose to hate less, that's progress! :-) My plan is to love more people more intentionally and more often throughout 2014 than I did in 2013! You?

Happy New Year...hope your 2014 is wonderful! Love and prayers to you and everyone you love and everyone you're learning to love! :-) Steve xo

An LGBT Christmas

Funny what hits you. I've heard the Christmas story for 49 years. But it was only this season that one word stood out and gave me fresh hope for my LGBT friends: "Everyone!"

Actually, that's my personal paraphrase! Here's how it actually reads in Luke 2 (remember, it's the angel talking; cool, huh!) -- “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people." (Luke 2:10 NIV)

Yeah, it's a modern translation -- not quite so snazzy as the King James Version: "Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people." (Luke 2:10)

Do you agree with me (sadly) that some Christians need to be reminded that this whole God-loving-everyone and Jesus-coming-for-everyone thing really is all-inclusive?

As that one word/thought/theme got me thinking, it seemed the whole story came alive in a fresh, gay way! That old story felt new -- good news for LGBT people who've been so purposefully excluded too many times in too many places by too many people. (The reason I say that is that Roman Christmas lights in remembrance of a young gay man who commits suicide should not create a furore; they should more rightly cause tears of sadness and greater efforts at reconciliation!)

Tell me these aren't good themes for everyone in the Christmas story: don't be afraid, good news for everyone, today hope is born...plus you just can't go wrong with all those cute little shepherds and lambs...and a baby...awwwww! :-)

So, dear Christians, here's your Christmas reminder: You may want to be stingy with the good news and keep it from your LGBT family and friends and neighbors and colleagues. But God's good news, the joyful news, really is for EVERYONE...and I'm glad that includes even me!

Merry Christmas, and a very happy 2014! With love and prayers...Steve xoxo

p.s. I must figure out how to bring the word "behold" back into routine conversation...

Don't talk about me -- talk to me!

I've been forced to return over and over again to blogs and Tweets written about me (generically). The hurt has been immense, even heartbreaking and sleep-depriving. They drive me to dare to ask a favor of you -- if you don't like me or if you hate me for my labels:

Don't talk about me -- talk to me! And with me. Like having a conversation. And getting to know each other. And liking each other, or struggling to like each other. Or learning to be friends, or learning to respect and appreciate one another. Without hate. Or venom. Or vitriol. Or anger. There's just no need. We don't really even have to be fiends if that's asking too much -- but what a wonderful gift if we could be friends, though different!

It's OK to be you! And I hope you'll let me be me. Especially knowing that I'm trying my best to be my best. Trying really, really hard to be worth knowing. Knowing that I want to be kind and caring and friendly and accepting. Knowing that I don't have all the answers and am confused by the speed the world is turning these days and am trying desperately to understand things that I didn't get to learn growing up when and where I grew up.

I'm just a guy -- a guy trying desperately to be worthy of trust. I want you to know that your feelings matter to me, as well as your dreams and hopes and aspirations for your life! I want you to know lots of love and joy and smiles and laughter. I don't want you to be lonely or isolated or separated from the things and people you love!

You don't have to be like me; in fact, that would be awful! Life's best texture is found in our differences and uniquenesses. Be you! And I'll celebrate that with you! You're a treasure, a gift, a wonderful blessing to the world! I'm glad you're alive. I celebrate the day you were born. And I celebrate the person you are and the person you want to be and are becoming.

I'm growing and evolving. I don't recognize the me I am today compared with even 5 or 10 or 20 years ago. Definitely more loving and kind and considerate and caring. But still wanting to grow to be even more loving and kind and considerate and caring.

And when you and I grow to like and love each other, I hope you'll be as protective of me, and thoughtful of my deep, sincere feelings, as I am of you and yours.

If you're gay, please be a good gay person. If you're straight, please be a good straight person. If you're a Christian or person of whatever faith, be a worthy example of all that represents at its very best. If you're not a person of faith, be a person of goodness and kindness and all things admirable.

We really don't have to yell and sneer and jeer and be angry and hateful to each other. I know I'm not going to be. I like loving kindness and respect so much better! So, please...let's talk...xo :-)

 

My LGBT epiphany

I was sucker punched by some bloggers the other day who had a bone to pick with my branch of "The Church." After the usual wave of hurt, ager, and sadness, I had an epiphany--as from a Christmas angel! "It's not about you and your feelings, Steve--stop and listen to them--there are lessons to be learned!" And as soon as I stopped and listened (well, re-read!), everything changed. And I sat back and took it all in...and have begun to learn some fresh and valuable lessons.

Instead of getting angry, shouting back, or rebuttal, it's time to thank those who decry the church--especially in terms of our relationship with the global LGBT community. After all, if we'd stop, listen, pray, and contemplate, I think we'd find out--they're not wrong! But then the hard part: eating humble pie and pledging to do better! Individually and corporately. I don't know what's so hard about saying with honesty and sincerity: "I'm sorry...SO sorry!"

But the answer I get too often is, "Why?! For what?!"

So let me fill you in...Why?! Because there's real hurt. Because there's real pain. Because there's real anger and sadness and isolation. Because the church HAS been the source of confusion and alienation and has engendered a sense of superiority rather than humility. Because LGBT people have been treated badly by the church; the church has acted in ways Jesus never would. The church has treated gay people as if they're a problem, a burden, a threat. And if I had to hear years of vitriol from pulpits and parishioners about who I am, I'd want to fight back in any way I could, too!

I believe prophetic voices are calling out to the church. And I don't think the church likes it. But we ignore the voices and messages at our peril. Could God possibly have it in mind to use unexpected voices to help the church be its best? Is it OK to ignore a message just because we don't like the messenger or the way the message is presented or what the message is?

The message is actually quite simple: "Listen, learn, and love! Oh...and be better than you have been!"

Dan Savage, one of the loudest and most listened-to voices on all things LGBT (I'm a huge fan of his "It Gets Better" campaign) rightly points out ungodly behavior. He and others know the difference, using Scripture and historical knowledge to speak against hypocrisy. He's not wrong. (Well, not entirely!) Or John Aravosis...or Michael Hulshof-Schmidt...or any number of other strong voices. They have things to teach us, if we'll choose to be teachable!

In this whole LGBT v. "The Church" business here's where I stand: I'm listening. I'm learning. I'm stinging. I'm trying. And, most of all, I'm sorry...truly sorry! And I wish desperately that church leaders and contrarian voices would get together in a room. And I only want one comment and one request to be made before the church leaders sit back and listen (a hard assignment for preachers!):

--Comment: We're sorry for the pain we've caused the LGBT community through the years.
--Request: What can we do to make things right?

I thank God for those men and women who take the time and trouble to point their fingers directly at the church (directly at me!), decry its wrongs, and call it to be what it's meant to be!

To those who've written and spoken hard truths that I'd rather not hear: Thank you! Sincerely...xo

Definition of Epiphany: "A moment in which you suddenly see or understand something in a new or very clear way." (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/epiphany)

LGBT people aren't a subject to be debated...

I get into people. But debates about people irritate me. That's mainly because the ones I've watched unfold tend to end up being very unhelpful and very hurtful -- with participants becoming louder, meaner, and unkinder! Whenever and however we dehumanize people into subjects to be debated, we fail.

I wonder how much time those who decry this or that section of the population spend with this or that section of the population. Simple wisdom suggests to me that a better use of time would be hanging out with and getting to know those people! Listening, learning, loving, caring for them. Sharing life with them. Learning their story and discovering that their story is incredible! Respecting variety and honoring uniqueness.

Maybe you're tired of debating, but you've painted yourself into a corner and don't know what to do. Let me help you with a vital life lesson: Paint Dries! Get up, move to where you ought to be! Hug the one you used to hate, and enjoy your new friend!

Whenever I hear the volume and tension grow on the all-too-popular debating theme of LGBT people, I want to ask the debater just a few obvious questions -- simply, quietly, courteously:

-- How many gay people do you actually know?

-- How many gay people would you consider friends?

-- How many gay people would consider you their friend?

How can you learn to love someone you won't even talk to? LGBT people aren't a subject to be debated, they're people to love -- like all people -- like you and me!

I've predetermined my New Year's resolution for 2014, and it's a doozy! I'm going to choose to spend time with people I wouldn't normally spend time with! I know people who hate me based on my life labels. I know people that, if they really knew me -- who I am in my real and best self -- they'd hate me even more! So I guess that means I'm on the lookout for haters! But when I get to them, I don't want to debate who I am, and I don't want to debate who they are -- I just want my life and the way I live to be proof enough that I am...

...a man of love and grace and mercy,

...a man who believes in and works for justice and who defends the oppressed,

...a man whose purpose is to live and breath for the sake others!

I mean it! And I'm going to keep growing in that throughout this next year -- starting now! Please feel free to hold me accountable and ask for tangible proof that I'm keeping my word!

Here's what I want to do: Love you not debate you...whoever you are! :-) xo

World AIDS Day 2013: Getting to Zero!

"World AIDS Day" starts with an amazing word:  World!

Few things actually draw all of humankind together as completely as tragedy. And AIDS is a tragedy of global proportions -- and something that has pointedly refused to show any kind of discrimination. It continues to lambaste men and women, boys and girls of every continent and every color and race and religion and...and every everything!

But World AIDS Day is much more than a sorrowful reminder -- it's a spurring on to see the disease brought to a close (*), to keep people drawn together, and to press on with other opportunities to love and serve suffering humanity.

[ * Can you imagine a moment to come when the news story is the name of the last person bearing that label? That's a worthy goal! Just imagine... ]

I remember John, the first person I knew with AIDS -- and the first friend I lost to AIDS. I think of others I know now facing those terrifying alphabet letters. The acronym still looks so innocuous, so harmless; and yet it represents one of the most powerful changes in human history. Those letters -- and HIV/ with them -- should have melted hearts and sent people into service. And that's exactly what happened with so many! But all too often and in too many places the letters HIV/AIDS have been used as weapons rather than doorways to kindness and loving care. They have been used to belittle and oppress people who already feel/felt little and oppressed. They have caused isolation and despair when they should have drawn people together in all that humankind does best: loving care, sacrificial presence, tenderness, shared laughter and tears, sacred remembrance, and all the holy aspects the human spirit exists to share.

My world is opening up this year as never before; I feel like I'm finally learning to love really and completely. I'm much more aware of the plight of those most obviously hit by this Day's remembrance -- lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender folks -- family, friends, neighbors, and strangers alike. And I'm grateful that I've had the privilege of coming alongside people very much unlike me, from worlds so different from my own, only to discover that we're very much more alike than I had known or imagined! Being eye to eye, heart to heart seems to change everything.

I guess the point is obvious when we contemplate hard marking moments like World AIDS Day -- It's personal. It's my day to remember. It's my time to use the resources at my disposal for good purposes. It's part of my life because they, you, and I are all part of this one World!

Much love to everyone feeling the pain that HIV/AIDS leaves in its wake...you're not alone; we're in this thing together! xo

The letters LGBTQQIA remind us that we're all unique and special!

The letters LGBTQQIA remind us that we're all unique and special!

Even though gray is my favorite color, I am not a fan of bland! Au contraire! I love the texture of life brought on by the amazing variety of people populating the planet you and I get to enjoy for a while.

It's also intriguing to see the amazing variety of hate populating the planet -- regrettable, potent, powerful, loud expressions of hate. Of all the human abilities, the ability to despise unique or different kinds of people isn't on my list of favorites! It's exhausting at times aching over what I read on Twitter, etc. or see on the news. But I get to choose my path -- the haters help me choose to be a lover! :-)

I'm privileged to hang out with a wide variety of people day by day: tall, short; fat, skinny; white, black; gay, straight; rich, poor; young, old; strong, weak; smily, frowny; kind, mean...the list could go on and on! No two people even vaguely alike...not even my twin nephews! :-) I'm helped and moved by being with people who are different from me -- they stretch my mind and heart, they test my theory about being able to love everyone, they make life interesting! (People who only spend time with their social doppelgängers must yawn a lot...)

At breakfast the other day I told a friend that I plan on dying when I'm 83 years old. (My funeral will be May 9, 2043, if you're not busy that day!) That means I have 34 years to go with you! I want to spend the rest of my life -- however many days, weeks, months, years I might actually get -- living and laughing and loving and enjoying! I don't want to spend more time than absolutely necessary hating or sneering or being grumpy or looking down on anyone! I want my head and heart to be stretched beyond my wildest imagination. I want to love more and learn more day by day. I want to continue growing in my ability to appreciate and respect the people -- all people, all kinds of people!

I'm growing. I'm not where I oughta be or even wanna be -- but God and I know far I've come! :-) I'm trying to learn the deeper art of empathy. I'm trying to dig deep into the pain of people to find the person hidden underneath! I don't want to give up on hard folks. I want to love and not just tolerate. I want to help bring hope and healing to the world by loving everyone I meet. Strangely, I really think it matters; I really think that choice makes a difference! Excited by the prospect...

Anyway. I'm droning! So there you have it...

I love you! Steve xoxo

p.s. Thanks for being YOU! :-)

I want the best for you!

My family and I lived in England for nearly 12 years. During those years we were kindly included in the National Health Service -- health care for all. And while we've heard stories of sadness and grief where the system failed, our experience was one of excellent care by dedicated medical personnel. That experience -- which included two surgeries for our son for a complicated broken elbow, plus lots of more routine, mundane needs -- helped change us.

We believe in universal health care for all. The UK experience provides something for everyone -- us, the local fruit/veg seller, secretaries, teachers, presidents of companies, and unemployed people alike! No one is left out.

I'm saddened by those who want for themselves what they don't want for others. In the scope of basic human kindness and decency, that kind of selfishness falls short.

Why did anyone think this unfolding program in America would be anything but complicated and difficult? Given the sheer number of people involved, it had to be hard! Some things just are. But we had to try to do something! If we waited for perfect solutions to every tough issue, we'd never get anywhere! The American fast-food mentality has spilled over into all that we are: the Queen song could be our national anthem -- "I want it all, and I want it now!"

But what about your struggling neighbors and fellow-citizens? Do you want "it" for them, too? And when do you want it for them?

This isn't a political issue -- or shouldn't be (though everything seems to be!) -- this is a people issue. That there are moms and dads, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives and partners and friends and colleagues laying in bed at night wondering how they can pay their mortgage and their medical bills and still have something left for food should break every heart! We need to share their ache and tears; we have to care beyond ourselves. When the bills arrive in the $10s of thousands and $100s of thousands, no one should have to bear that alone. And yet too many do.

The traumatic stories of lives burdened and families harmed financially because of health costs should cause a corporate sense of sadness and a dedication to a better way.

I don't know what the perfect -- or even best -- answer is to what universal health care should look like. But what I know I want more than anything is for everyone to want the best for everyone -- including the conviction that leaving anyone out is a serious failure and dereliction of duty of historic proportions! Here's our chance to prove what mind of country we intend to be!

So, go ahead -- listen to your heart, then say it out loud: "I want health care for all!"

Thanks...I agree! :-) xo

Why are Christians so mean? (Or...How Margaret Cho changed my life!)

WHY ARE CHRISTIANS SO MEAN?
Or...How Margaret Cho changed my life!

Here are some of her labels, if Margaret Cho's name is new to you (in no particular order): queer * Korean-American comedian -- and one of the funniest people alive; but if you're sensitive to, um, "rough language," you might not want to Google her!

My second favorite quote from her routines (what I've seen anyway) is, "I want Jesus to come back and say, 'That's not what I meant!'"

But my number one, ultimate, favorite, life-changing quote/question came from her lips to my heart quite by accident. I was wandering through the TV channels one evening when I stopped for a moment mid-stand-up routine, just as Ms. Cho asked the simple, straightforward, and not inappropriate question:

"Why are Christians so mean?"

The response of the audience was instantaneous and uproarious -- applause, cheering, shouting -- the place went wild! I laughed out loud, too -- then froze, realizing the power and poignancy of her question! I nearly choked. And then my mind sharpened, and I determined very plainly in myself:  I will not be defined by hate! I won't because it's not who I am...it's not how I live...and sure isn't what I want to be! And, most importantly, it wasn't Jesus' way -- and it's not his way for me! I love being a lover of people -- as exhausting as that is!

The truth is: She's right to wonder. I know a lot of mean Christians. (Too many, anyway. I suppose I can't really quantify "a lot," but TOO MANY isn't wrong.) They speak hate. They Tweet and Facebook hate. They have it in their hearts, and their faces confirm it. They can't hold a decent, cordial, difference-of-opinion conversation without spitting venom. And they seem well at home on the Pharisaical side of the Gospel stories -- head shaking, finger pointing,  and tut-tutting. (Yes, I realize I'm head shaking, finger pointing, and tut-tutting the haters, but it just feels right!)

As for me, I don't know what to do except live my life as best I can on the loving side of things and decry hate where and when I can. My stronger calling sure seems to be something along those lines. Love just seems a much worthier task than hate, don't you think?

Some day, when I hang out with Margaret over dinner or coffee, here's what I'm gonna say: Thank you for the potent reminder! Thanks for helping me know who I want to be! Thanks for being blunt and bold and for poking and prodding me in the right direction! You've made a huge difference in my life...God bless you!

I love you, Margaret Cho! I love you, dear reader! :-)

* From Huffpostgay, The Blog: "...it's up to me to define myself...so that would be queer." (Margaret Cho)

I'm sorry. I didn't know. (Transgender Day of Remembrance)

[Written Friday, November 22, following the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center's "Transgender Day of Remembrance" gathering] 

I'm just in from spending the evening at the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center with a wonderfully eclectic group of LGBTQQA folks. (Wish I had counted how many were there; was so happy that chairs had to be added more than a few times!) The event was wonderful, and it was hard -- wonderful meeting so many interesting, kind, good people; hard hearing of so much sadness, pain, and isolation, and hard (heartbreaking) hearing too many names of transgender people who've died -- were killed -- this year simply for being who they are.

We should be united in our shame and grief that such an annual observance even exists! We should celebrate living members of the community when, sadly, remembrance and memorial moments are still all too necessary. News accounts of abused and murdered transgender men and women don't seem to let up!

But that's not the worst of it for me -- what brought out the tears for me was that so many of those who died didn't even have a name -- unidentified, unknown, anonymous. How in the world in 2013 can someone die without a name? How lonely is that kind of loneliness. How painful must these nameless treasures' lives have been to end like that?

Where does this kind of hate and cruelty come from? What could I have done? What can I do now?

I feel badly that it's only now that I even know about this annual observance. But now that I do know, I have a sacred responsibility to do something with this knowledge! To do what I can to build an environment where men and women --whoever and whatever they are! -- can live in loving harmony -- not tolerating one another, but treasuring each other's beautiful uniquenesses. It should not be so hard -- and certainly not so dangerous! -- for people to be who they are!

But how moving to hear so many at the gathering declare -- as each memorial candle was lit by Barbara -- what they determined to do for the cause. As you would expect, a powerful mix of heart determination!

I thank God for the immense privilege of meeting men and women whose lives are marked by too much pain. It redoubles in me a powerful determination to do my part to bring about right where painful, overwhelming, tragic wrong exists! It takes just a few minutes, a few moments eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart to know that love and grace have work yet to be done -- through you and me!

Here's my heart and life -- ready to be proved worthy of the cause. There's plenty I/we can do between now and next year's remembrance...xoxo

LGBT conversations don't have to be so awkward!

Why is talking about LGBT issues in the church so awkward? Why can't sincere, honest, hard questions be asked without people freaking out? Is it because the loudest voices are from angry men and women full of self-righteousness and smugness? They sure make me nervous! Where's the Jesus-love in any of that? Doesn't feel quite right, does it.

I sure can't discuss or debate the fine things of theology (especially the five or so specific bits of the Bible too often used against the LGBT community). But doesn't heart count for something? I'd rather love than lambaste! But if anyone seems to be bad for the church's reputation, it sure has to be Christians! Or, as "God" said on Twitter (@TheTweetOfGod) recently: "The trouble with Christianity is Christians." Weird, huh.

And as for the Bible, hasn't it been sorely used and abused! So wonderfully helpful in the right hands -- and a powerful force for grief (a weapon!) in the wrong ones! Used to corner people and judge people and put people in their place. Not much grace or mercy or love in any of that! The more I work my way back and forth through it, I find more and more about justice and grace, mercy and love -- and less and less about fear and hate, judgment and harm. I suppose it's down to what you're looking for.

If we're going to pluck verses out of the bible, why don't we at least pick some happy, hopeful ones! If we use these ones a bit more than the "send-them-to-hell-for-being-who-they-are" verses that seem so popular, we might make some real progress! Here's some of what I'd like to be held accountable for in my own life:

"Love your neighbor as yourself." (Bam!)
"Love is kind." (Whoosh!)
"Defend the oppressed." (Kappow!)
"As far as it depends on you, live at peace with all men." (Oh yeah!)
"Love your enemies..." (Zing!)
"Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." (Wowzer!)

BTW, my parenthetical responses after the verses are in honor of San Francisco's Bat Kid! @sfbatkid (Kaboom!!)

Here's how we can narrow the gap between the "Us's" and the "Thems:" Lay aside the Bible (but not the love and hope it represents!), look a gay man or woman lovingly and kindly in the eyes, and say -- with real sincerity! -- "Tell me about yourself..." (Or whatever phrase will build a conversation and a friendship!) Sometimes we have to learn to love. And that's how we're going to change the church and the world: One loving relationship at a time! Like this...

Make it personal.
Calm down.
Take time.
Listen.
Ask good questions.
Empathize.
Care.
Smile.
Laugh.
Cry.
Love.

I'm going to keep trying! You, too?

Love and prayers and loud cheers (lots of all 3!) to everyone who's trying to do their bit...including YOU!  :-)  xo

"Gay Christian" is NOT an oxymoron...!

If we're ever going to stop (or at least lighten up on!) the painful, angry, shouting, ridiculous, unnecessary, unhelpful, getting-us-nowhere war between the church and the LGBT community, we need to two things: (1) a LOT more love, smiles, and laughter, and (2) a reminder!

What I want to say to every sneering religious leader is:  Name the gay people you know and spend time with. Or, if I wanted to be snootier about things, here's what I'd ask people shouting most loudly against the LGBT community: Who are the members of the LGBT community that you actually know? Would you consider any of them a friend? Would any of them consider you their friend? Then I'd knock them upside the head with the biggest Bible I could find! (No, not really...but you probably understand that feeling!) The more we really know each other -- the deeper we go into each other's heart and soul -- the more likely we are to find things to appreciate and respect about each other. We might even find a point of empathy -- and (could I dare believe?) real love.

My point is, everyone needs to spend more time together -- really getting to know each other -- as people, not according to our labels! But that doesn't happen as often as it should because neither side wants to! After all, let's be honest: Who actually chooses to hang out with their enemies?! Ugh! But, if I want to be part of the solution -- a catalyst for positive change -- and I do! -- then I'd better be ready and willing to do just that!

We need to tell our stories. We need to express our fears. We need to share things in common and things that are unique to each of us. We need to laugh and cry together. We need to be glad and sad together. We need to rejoice over the common ground we share -- an awful lot if we stop and think! And sure need to laugh more -- a lot more -- at each other and with each other -- until our cheeks hurt and our stomachs ache! Smiles and laughter change everything.

We need more joybringers and laugh-inducers! Is that you? :-)

Then I'd shout out the most important reminder to the shouters on the LGBT side of the street and the shouters on the Christian side of the street: "'Gay Christian' is NOT an oxymoron...moron!" (Yes, I realize it might help if I drop that second "moron." But, you know how it is when you're frustrated! Lol.)

What a tough spot to be in! That poor gay Christian man or woman standing between the two teams they're on -- as if they're mutually exclusive! -- getting rotten eggs and tomatoes thrown at them (as it were) from both sides of the street!

"How can you be a Christian?! They hate you!!"
"What do you mean you're gay?! Be gone with you...away from my holy presence!!"

Sound like fun to you?!

If anyone deserves our sympathy and respect, it's LGBT Christians! Talk about bravery -- taking it on the chin simply because they dare to be who they are. And hated for it...twice!

Rodney King's tragic word still echo -- "Can't we all just get along?!" (or something like that). No, Rodney -- we can't! Because we don't want to...right? Because we choose sides and stick to them as if our lives depended on it!

But maybe some of us can choose a better way -- the way of love and laughter! I want you on my side -- no matter what side you're on! As long as you bring lots of love and smiles and laughter with you!  :-)  Love ya! xo

LGBT pain and suffering: Does "the church" care?

I dream of a world where groups like @beatbullying and @AllResources_ie and @Nobullying14 aren't needed. And my heart is doubly wrenched that the work of The @TrevorProject has to be about saving lives, not even just about the hard work of healing broken hearts and hurt feelings! (Please look up some of the all-too-many anti-bullying websites, Facebook pages, and Twitter accounts...these are just a few of the many I learn from by following...)

The wonderful groups named above are helping me to become the man I oughta be. They tell me the stories I'd rather not know (about too many LGBT men and women being beaten in New York and elsewhere recently just for being who they are) -- and the people whose names I don't want to hear (Vivian, a transgender woman beaten in Hollywood earlier this year) -- because it hurts so deeply to know how mean the world can be! These groups speak against a world of hate and cruelty and anger directed at vulnerable and isolated and often very lonely individuals.

The church has a huge role in changing this: firstly, by acknowledging the wrong of hate and cruelty of any kind; then, in overcoming future examples of evil by doing much more good!

-- I want to belong to a church that isn't afraid of any question -- even the hard and embarrassing ones! -- and that isn't afraid to answer honestly, "We just don't know! But in the meantime we're going to make sure that love and grace win the day!"

-- I want to belong to a church that truly cares and breaks its heart (including tears and righteous anger) over the pain of isolation and loneliness brought about by religiosity.

-- I want to belong to a church that is sad when LGBT people are harmed or suffer in any way.

-- I want to belong to a church that responds to human suffering -- including the suffering of gay men and women -- with Christ-like love. (His love was demonstrated and costly and very personal and intimate.)

-- I want to belong to a church defined by love and grace and acceptance, not hate and judgment and exclusion.

-- I want to belong to a church that uses its voice loudly for justice. (I want to speak out for those with no voice or who live with heavy fear of speaking out for right. I want to decry hate -- especially when it's God's people being hateful!)

And, pointing my finger directly at me...(believing that God wants these things, too!)...

-- I want the people I'm called to love and serve to be more important to me than my reputation.

-- I want the worst sorts of people to be completely comfortable with me -- as they were with Jesus. (Not sure who gets to decide who "worst sorts" might mean!)

Thus endeth today's rant! :-) Thanks for sticking with me as I clumsily continue to grow!

Love and joy and peace and good fellowship and acceptance to you all!  xo

LGBT people don't need your commas!

"Loneliness
and the feeling of being unwanted
is the most terrible poverty."
-- Mother Teresa

I have often been lonely in the middle of a crowd. Even a crowd of friends! I have felt unwanted, though my head reminds me it's silly to feel that way. My heart often hurts when I think about people getting to know the real me -- hiding under the layers -- ashamed, sad, and doubtful about what would happen if the fully-real me got out! Doing what I should do. Being what I should be. Leaving behind who I really am.

Oh, the games people play (I sure have!) in a sad attempt to be good enough to be loved...ugh.

We all want to be loved and included in the lives of others. We have a built-in need to belong. The problem is that people often require other people to earn love and inclusion -- they're not always freely given! And I think that's based on the most hurtful phrase of all:

I love you, but...

"But..." is the world's great problem. Especially when it comes to the LGBT community. Here's what has been endured:

-- I love you, but your lifestyle displeases me.
-- I love you, but the bible says you're bad.
-- I love you, but you have to live the way I want before I can love you.
-- I love you, but you need to tone it down.
-- I love you, but you're gay.

SHEESH! What a great way to make someone feel lonely and unwanted!

Here's the world's great solution:  Stop at the comma!

Wouldn't the world be a much more beautiful place if we stopped before we hit the comma or before we hit the dark blotch accusation afterthought! See if the phrase doesn't come across much better if I were speaking to YOU like this -- without the "but":  I love you.  (Picture me smiling at you, nodding gentle, and adding, "I really do!")

Love is what washes loneliness away. An accepting, true, honest, sincere, real, you're-fine-as-you-are kind of love! I don't want to feel lonely, and I sure don't want you or anyone else being lonely, either! :-)

Hope you know:  I sure do love YOU...xo

We won't let the bullied stand alone!

WE WON'T LET THE BULLIED STAND ALONE!

Clay was the first bully in my life.

I walked to school with a huge smile on my face clutching a peanut butter jar full of water and garden roses in both hands that fateful day.  I was 5, and the flowers were for my adored kindergarten teacher, Miss Chang.

In a split second my joy was shattered along with the jar as it hit the ground:  shards of glass everywhere...water splashing all over...roses crushed on the ground...and a smile turned to a frown, and happy turned to sad.  Clay did that to me -- on purpose.

There were other kids there.  They didn't do anything; I doubt there was anything they could do to help.  But they went their way, left me to my own, and it hurt -- that's a painful aloneness.

I can still feel that moment, and it happened all of 44 years ago!

How can the human mind and spirit remember these things -- the words, the emotions and feelings, the settings -- years later?  I wish I could forget that 5-year-old's marking moment; but, at the same time, I'm glad I can't forget because too many people are regularly and routinely bullied -- just for being who they are -- on purpose.  And I want to feel something of their experience to help keep my heart tender; these recollections help me empathize more sincerely.  And I'm definitely empathetic today like never before in my life! The pain, hurt, sadness, shame, aches of others pique my interest powerfully and break my heart daily.

Is empathy a part of who you are?

I have a settled sense that my life purpose is to love and protect and help everyone I can -- but especially vulnerable people.  And that includes standing up for, standing alongside, and speaking up for the bullied -- especially those whose daily life includes life-threatening, joy-robbing moments that scar a person body, mind, and soul.  I want to be there for them...don't you?!

To my real point:  What happens in you when you hear the all-too-frequent stories of LGBT men and women being purposefully targeted -- bullied with words, fists, kicks, weapons, and too many other traumatizing, intimidating means?  Do you grunt approvingly, weep despairingly, Tweet, blog, search the net for resources, donate to a cause...?

Let's work together to ensure that the bullied never stand alone!

If you're reading this, you are loved!  Sending a cyberhug your way!  xo

LGBTQQIA -- Every letter matters because everyone matters!

LGBTQQIA -- that's a lot to remember! And I'm glad I do -- the letters just trip merrily off my tongue! (Go ahead, practice saying it all day!) I laugh when I say it because I'm so happy my pea brain actually remembers them all! I also like the befuddled looks of my disinterested friends as they wonder why I know that tidbit of information and why I think they'd want to know it, too!

Here's my pledge:  No matter matter how many more letters are ever added, I promise to keep trying to remember them all because it's important -- each letter represents people who matter -- and I want my life to prove that everyone matters!

I'm just a tiny-voiced little guy who really wants to help. And something stirs in me to speak and act more plainly and openly. I just often don't know what to say or how to say it helpfully without seeming angry and overly-protective on behalf of people I care about! There's a frustration in me because open dialog isn't easy. I'm amazed at how many good people yawn and glaze over -- or worse, turn ugly -- when it feels right to talk about what's going on in the LGBTQQIA Community. People don't seem to realize that when you fight and argue and get ugly and mean like that, you're actually fighting and arguing and getting ugly and mean against real people! People who don't deserve to be sneered at or looked down on any more than they, you, or I want to be...

Only one little word/phrase has to be change for each of us to get to be part of this amazing community. Do you say them or us? Is it those people or my friends and neighbors? Is it their or my issue?

Yes, LGBTQQIA is a lot of letters, and aren't you glad? Isn't it good to be included rather than excluded? Every letter is an invitation to belong and to get involved. You'll know you've got it right when this is how you say it: This is MY community. These are MY friends. This is MY cause.

The challenge for me, as with any group of people I get to be part of, is to be a positive part of the whole -- to live and love and work and serve in such a way that we're all better together -- truly united -- strong, safe, sure, wanted, respected, appreciated, loved!

You know what I'm really looking forward to? That day when the whole alphabet of mankind can live together joyfully, with lots of smiles, love, and laughter...

If you're reading this, know that I love you, and I'm happy we're in this thing together no matter what letter of the alphabet represents you!  :-)  xo

LGBT Mile Markers -- Do you care?

It's interesting to discover what people care about -- and what they don't care about, too. I think it's easy to think that if it's important to me, it's important to everyone. Duh -- nope! It's even more intriguing when you find out why they do or don't care what you care about...

Do you care that October is LGBT history month? Did it mean anything to you that October 11th was -- once again -- National Coming Out Day?

I was with a group of colleagues recently and raised the subject only to find that it was of little or no interest to the majority -- and some even found the prospect of these focal points ridiculous.

Given the fraught history of America in terms of civil rights for all, I think these specific LGBT mile markers are both worth some thought and energy.  More importantly, it seems we need to learn from what they represent; they exist with good reason.  It seems a bit obvious, but the first and most helpful reason (I hope and pray!) is to break down walls and barriers of misunderstanding that divide people who shouldn't be divided!

In every generation it seems as if a fight has to begin between people of one kind versus people of another kind based on some kind of assigned label -- color, gender, language, birthplace, bank account balance, sexual-orientation, address, hair length and/or style, pro-this, anti-that, and on and on it goes!

That's not good.

What about forgiveness? Reconciliation? Learning together? Seeking harmony with others over getting my own way? "As far as it depends on you, live at peace with all men..." doesn't seem like such a bad assignment to me -- except that it's going to require humility and a purposeful awareness of other people on my part -- seeking to know who they really are and are becoming -- not just who I want them to be!

Healing of families, neighborhoods, communities, cities, this whole country, and the world won't come if people aren't decisive about the way of humility -- including sincere regret for the hurt that's there; meaningful, forgiving dialog; and an awful lot of real (not pretend!), loving interest in those who are alike and those who aren't.

I give my heart, I'll do my part! What about you?

What about my reputation?

Jesus' disciples were questioned for the company he kept. Apparently, "they" (sinners and tax collectors!) were more important to Jesus than his reputation -- and they were worth the possibility of besmirching that reputation.

I wonder how important my reputation is to me? Am I spending time with the right kinds of people meaning, perhaps, the supposedly "wrong" kinds of people? Is my ministry to people more important than the "institution" of my service? Does anyone ever stop and wonder why I'm hanging out with "those" people?

Some days I feel too clean and prissy. It's good spiritual medicine to be with godly and good Christian people -- but my life purpose isn't that -- it's "them." At my best I serve in ways that are rough and tumbling and real, living and loving people who are rough and tumbling and real! I need more of that to be the me God wants me to be! That's where the joy of service is found if I want to live at all like Jesus. And I do.

Shouldn't be so hard to be you -- or me!

Ah, man! Why do we make it so hard for people to be who they really are! And I include myself -- Why do I make it so hard for me to be me? Oh, the pain I see in people's eyes as they play games with themselves and the people around them. Even the ones who love them best.

It all goes back to labels. The hardest thing in the world is to peel them all away -- labels self-assigned, and labels assigned by others -- and find the best me so often buried away ever so deep. I get glimpses of "him" -- and I like what I glimpse! But then he hides away all over again. Only coming out now and then.

Is the real you really that bad that you have to hide you away? Is the real me so bad that I have to hide me away? Funny, stupid-sounding questions. But the answers are so obvious when you live with people who are barely visible...know what I mean?

I want to live and love in such a way that people feel safe being -- and becoming -- who they really are. Who they really want to be. And still be loved.

The only life goal that really matters to me?  Love. Everyone.