Empathy is best applied in silence...

If you want to get into the hearts of people, you have to use the right tools! I'm finally learning (ridiculously late in life!) that some of the obvious ones are still the best ones, like silence, gentle replies, shared laughter, and shared tears.

The two main reasons why we don't get very far with people who hate or disagree or argue? No one wants to listen, but everyone wants to be heard! If it weren't rude, I'd tell everyone to shut up and don't speak again until you can hold a conversation that allows for both speaking AND listening! And, if words are absolutely required, how about using some gentle ones?

Anjelica Huston says it perfectly (though with wrong intentions) to her daughter in the film "Ever After":

"...don't speak unless you can improve the silence."

I've come face to face with myself recently and have learned to my shame that my extroversion really has to be held in check more, and I need to practice the proposed art of shutting up! As a man who wants to love and lift people's spirits, I mean that sincerely! More often than not, words really aren't even necessary when trying to love someone. A sense of empathy, shared tears or laughter more than meet the need. Empathy is best applied in silence.

And, when words do become necessary, gentle ones sure seem to work much more effectively than angry ones -- especially when disagreement is part of the conversation. Some of the old wisdom never fails to help:

"...a gentle word can get through to the hard-headed."

I'm trying some experiments with that theory -- which requires some intentionality on my part. And because it's a person on the other side of the sharing, I know the effort is always worth it. I'm going to try to lower my voice, slow down, speak more quietly, and make sure the intentions behind this effort are completely sincere.

And if silence or gentle words don't build the hoped-for bridge between people, there's always laughter!

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." -- Mark Twain

I have laughed with people who hate me more than ever in the last few months. And it's an amazing catharsis; it changes everything in the relationship. It feels good. It's healing. Laughter helps create a safer environment for discussing our differences with less venom and a comfortable space for comparing the parallels of our lives with a lot more pleasure. Every time. I'll be a clown or buffoon because I know that laughter can help sledgehammer walls that divide as much as -- perhaps even more than! -- anything else ever could! And with a lot less grief...

And finally, when hearts open, and we get to really love one another for who we are, then sometimes even tears are welcome! Tears of empathy and love and shared pain -- or tears of shared joy and laughter! Oh, those times the tears have come, and I'm willing to be vulnerable to another person, those are sacred moments that change the world -- because they change me!

I want desperately to be a catalyst for positive change wherever I go, with whoever I meet, especially where hate and hurt are so strong. So, I pledge all the best I have to offer -- silence, gentle words, laughter, and tears -- and anything else that will help love to reign!

Let me know what you think...I'll be listening! :-) Steve xo