A little LGBT courage!

"Courage sometimes skips a generation."

(From 'The Help'; Charlotte Phelan to her daughter, Skeeter)

Is it wrong to want to achieve something great in life? Is that a kind of arrogance? I don't mean it to be! I just want to leave a purposeful legacy. And a simple one. I want to be remembered for great love. I want my grave marker to simply and rightly read (many years from now!), "He meant well." And I do!

Beyond that, I specifically want to be remembered as someone whose love cost me something. It requires me to use my heart, my life, my voice, my energy, my time, my resources, my reputation to make life better for others, especially LGBT+ people.

There are six words that guide me in this each day: "Defend the oppressed" and "Love your neighbor." Even if you don't care about the biblical context, I think common decency and basic humanity speak plainly to these themes. And we all know that gay people have endured too much, even suffered too much. Needlessly. I see it in the eyes of my gay friends. I'm reminded of it each year during the reading of names during Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremonies. I know it from the news -- where I read, hear, see stories of young gay people who can't endure the pain and who take their own lives. We should be sad that we live in a world where people blithely read the stories and soon forget the names. I'm certainly more forgetful than I should be. (Do you remember Leelah Alcorn?)

I met someone just the other day who has four friends recently diagnosed with HIV. You can appreciate the sadness in her eyes as she very simply shared that information with me. It was, rightly, a sacred moment. I wanted to whisper some kind of reply; all I could do was hug her and whisper, "I'm so sorry." And yet, I have other friends who aren't moved by that kind of knowledge, who feel "they got what they deserved." I have tears for their heartlessness, as well as my new friend's deep pain on behalf of people she loves.

What difference can one little guy really make? I'm glad that I'm idealistic enough to believe that one, single, lone life dedicated to loving kindness can make an immense difference in the world! Even if it's loving only one person, just one life at a time. Because that one life is a link in the broken chain of humanity! I think of the people who've decided to love and lift and inspire and encourage me! They gave me joyful energy to pass on to someone else along the way...and that's an awfully good feeling! To bring even a moment of joy -- just a smile! -- to another man, woman, boy, or girl is pure privilege. And sometimes that alone is enough.

So, back to courage not skipping me and my generation! It requires grit and determination. Sometimes it requires bravery and stepping out of my tiny, little comfort zone. Sometimes it requires me to speak and act when I'd prefer to be silent and walk away. I hope you find me faithful in this. I hope I can live up to my own dreams and ideals! I guess the best I can offer you is the promise to try my best...and I mean it.

And so, here's another moment of dedication! I pledge myself to being useful in my little corner of my little world, using my little life for anyone who needs me -- especially my LGBT neighbors! A word. A smile. A hug. Even just being there. I thank God for the people I cross paths with each day because they're a chance for me to love. Here I go! On the lookout for opportunities to love. You, too?

Love, Steve xo...p.s. Ask the next person you meet to hug you for me, until I get to do it myself! :-) xo

LGBT-Inspired Cruelty

I had the most bizarre experience recently: I was decried -- in writing (2 typed pages, on paper, sent in the mail!) -- for supporting gay people and gay causes. So, I did something that surprised even me: I called my dear writer friend to let him know about what to me is very important and worthy work. Needless to say, he was surprised to hear from me. And, about 3 minutes into a 20-minute conversation he was thoroughly ashamed of himself (rightly, duh) and began a series of apologies. This was followed up by a 2-page letter (typed, on paper, sent in the mail -- good grief, what year is this?) apologizing and explaining his satisfaction at my explanation.

But what hurts most of all, I suppose, was the sense of him wanting me to unfriend real friends. This isn't Facebook we're talking about where you just click a few clicks and -- voila! -- the person is dead to you. These are real friends. People who matter to me. People I love and want to be worthy of using that strong word, "Friend!"

But his letter hurt me badly. And it still does. I suppose anytime someone hugs you as a supposed friend and stabs you in the back at the same time -- well, do you agree there might be something painful and wrong with that?

I think I would have gotten over that one actually if, within a matter of only a few days, I hadn't received another missive -- from another hater! This one much more brief, much more distilled, much darker and more soul destroying. It sent me reeling. And, even as I write, I feel my innards quivering and a layer of fear coming over me again -- weeks later -- simply at the recollection.

I've felt vulnerable and afraid; I've felt isolated and alone; I've felt like a target; I've felt rejected and sneered at; I've been slapped and spanked (figuratively); I've been castigated and humiliated...all courtesy of "good Christians." Want to know what hurts most of all in my experience? That!

Here's my daily challenge, my daily choice: The life of love. And not just because I'm supposed to but because I can't even help it considering how good and kind God has been to me -- something like this: "Follow God’s example...and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us..." (Ephesians 5:1-2 NIV) If I were God, I'm not sure I would love me knowing what my life is and has been! But he does. And he's asked me to share that with others. So I try!

My pledge: I'm going to press on, no matter what I receive in return for my efforts -- support, encouragement, smiles, gladness...or slaps, sneers, letters of I-don't-care-how-many-pages, hate...your response/their response to my life service isn't my responsibility, my faithfulness is! And I want to be faithful. Seriously, I do!

I know that trying to be a catalyst for positive change is daring work. But these well-known words give appropriate guidance (whoever wrote them!):

     Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour...)

     (Where there is hatred, let me sow love...)

A "Job's friend" recently tried to help by reminding me: "They're 'just' words."

There's no such thing as "just" words! It takes but a few seconds and a few words to inspire joy and pain, laughter and tear, smiles and frowns. Words are powerful. And words are easily underestimated and undervalued. They're very easily wasted. I've used plenty; I've been given plenty! They stick. They inspire. They scar. But we seldom know their full impact...I know I don't! (But, because I'm someone who doesn't always consider my part in a conversation as carefully as I should, I've stopped short as I write to ponder my own stewardship of words...)

I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere today! I'm writing to cathart more than anything, I suppose. But I sure don't feel better. So I failed at that. But I don't ever want to fail at what matters more: Pressing on. Staying faithful. Loving well. Doing it the way Jesus did it. Never forgetting what his pressing on, faithfulness, life of love cost him...so...

I'll keep on trying! And I'll believe that someone who comes across my sad little story will either be helped or will help me by whispering a prayer for strength and courage!

Much love to YOU...today, tomorrow, and always...Steve :-) xo

Amazing LGBT Moments

I love unexpected conversations that lead to a solid dose of health, healing, and wholeness. Just had one, and it feels good. It began with a Mom timorously asking how I thought gay people became gay. My take is that it's called birth!  It's simply part of who you are. This Mom suddenly breathed easy. She knew the conversation could have gone any which way. But, because we had shared a first unexpected laugh and smile together at a lunch event, she dared to trust me. Her son is gay. And she feels alone. She doesn't have people to easily talk to about what it means to her and how she worries for her son. We shared heart-to-heart and both went away loving and caring about each other. It was a beautiful experience.

Trust is an amazing gift. And a gift that's easily abused and broken.

I had a very different conversation with someone else recently. She's a hater. She likes to sneer at people. I couldn't tell you what she is "for," but I sure know what she's against: LGBT+ people. There wasn't an ounce of grace in anything she said -- only condemnation and belittling. She knows what she knows: that gay people are condemned and hopeless unless they choose to live the way she's decided they should live.

I want to be trustworthy. And sometimes that means not hiding from the haters. Not remaining silent. Not giving an air of it being OK to hate. Not walking away without answering. Even if sometimes it feels like an empty attempt at bringing sense to the lives of truly senseless people. Even if I end up looking like a fool to the hater and his/her fellow haters. Even if it costs me my comfort and reputation.

Have you ever met a Christian bully? Talk about a destructive force! They should be considered dangerous and treated accordingly -- with great care and concern. They should be watched. They should be held to account. And they should be prevented in any way possible from having anything to do with vulnerable people.

It helps to weigh things up like this: If they spoke or acted like that if they were 5 years old, would they end up on the naughty step? If the answer is Yes, then get them there (whatever the adult version of the naughty step is!) -- and quickly! Don't let the haters get away with it. Don't just let it go. Promise to stand up and be counted! (Trust me, I know how painful that can be -- and it's totally worth it!)

I dream of a world where needing to protect my gay friends is a silly notion of the past. I dream of a time when people love people for who they are, without spending time telling them what's wrong with them or who they should be. I dream of a world of inclusive love. I want to help get us there!

You, too? :-) xo

Is it safe to come out yet?

This is how it unfolded: Two female colleagues having a prolonged debate -- with me standing by confused why they wanted to speak to me but then wouldn't!

-- "Tell him!"
-- "I can't..."
-- "Yes, you can! Tell him!"

She eventually turned to face me. And it took another 20 minutes to splutter and hem and haw without ever actually telling me she's gay. But she said what needed to be said in order to open that window, and we understood. It was enough. And I found it immensely humbling. The three of us were moved by the simplicity of acceptance.

The same thing happened this time that seems to happen every time: tears. But these are the best kind of tears -- tears of joy! And lots of hugs and laughter that naturally come with such a huge sense of relief. I hate that the surprise of acceptance has to be part of these "coming out" conversations, but they are -- every time.

Every time someone comes out to me, I consider the place to be sacred ground. They're marking moments of trust that are impossible to take for granted. That kind of trust has to be dared. That kind of trust has to be earned. I'm desperate to be the kind of man who is "safe" for that kind of deep, sincere, real honesty from anyone!

It's not safe for too many people. We know that because stories of discarded friends and family members are still told. We know that because people still picket Pride events -- shouting hate, holding posters of condemnation. We know that because homelessness for LGBT-related reasons still happens -- in inordinately large numbers. I know that because all my gay friends tell stories of the hurt and rejection they've felt and experienced through the years from family, friends, clergy, strangers...

We all want to be loved -- I know I do! But it's such a fragile thing to be confident about. Do you love "me" or my labels or who you think I am or who you want me to be...? Our deep internal pleading is simply to be loved for who we are. These horrible questions so easily come to mind:

-- Would they still love me if they knew that...?
-- Will they still care if I...?
-- Will they pull me close and tight or shove me away if I...?

Oh, the sadness of the conversation that goes in the wrong direction -- as it so often does. Oh, the joy, love, and laughter when the conversation goes in the right direction -- as it should every time!

Is it safe to come out yet? I hope the answer where I'm concerned will always be an easy, painless "Yes!" I want to be a place of "sanctuary" for those who need to bare their soul and self. I want everyone to get to be who they are -- really.

To everyone who has entrusted your truth to my tender care: Thank you for an immensely beautiful gift! I'm honored and humbled...and I love you! Steve :-) xo

LGBT Answers

Every generation seems to have someone -- a group of people -- that it looks down on most oppressively -- based on gender, religion, color/race, passport/green card (or lack of), marital status, language, sexuality, income (or lack of)...and so here's this generation of humankind! And the focal point of too much aggression seems to be our neighbors -- our brothers and sisters of the LGBT community. Yes, in this modern age -- in the year 2014. Still.

This truth is all too alive and well: Some people really do hate the LGBT community and their allies. I keep wanting to believe I'm wrong, that I'm overacting, that things are improving enough to give me hope. But then some people open their mouths, and hate is proved. I found that out again recently doing a scan for a radio station on a long drive, in an area I'd never been. A phrase or something pricked my ears, so I stopped the search and listened. Carefully. Eyes bulging, wide open. And I've never screamed, yelled, hollered, or been more disgusted about a radio station in all my life!

The sad aspect: It was a "Christian" radio station.

The venom and meanness they spouted was unbelievable -- directed entirely at the gay community. The self-satisfaction and self-righteousness they expressed were despicable -- with giggling, laughter, and coarse joking. (I'm too disgusted to give some of the words and phrases they used.) I don't like to judge people too harshly, but really, it all came across as exceedingly hateful. They spoke as if an army stood against an army -- about the dangers of the LGBT agenda and, worst of all, that the "supposed" pain and abuse that gay people have endure is all made up and unfounded!

But I know a lot of gay people. And the truth is, every single one of them has been hurt and harmed by basic human unkindness along the way -- for being who they are. They've been treated unfairly. They've endured all kinds of rejection and pain. The stories are told; the stories need to be heard. To tell someone that their pain is unreal or unfounded is piling cruelty on top of hate! I was ashamed of what I heard. Christian radio?!

How do you answers haters? (In this instance not possible.) What do you say when someone says so plainly, "I hate gay people." (Don't tell me they don't because I've heard them!) Here are a few first possibilities I might use after returning my dropped-to-the-floor jaw to its rightful place (a few ironic ones, a few potent ones):

-- Why?! (Using as shrill and judgmental a voice as I can muster!)

-- Well, that's stupid... (Using sneering and snideness as side dishes.)

-- Do you actually know any gay people? (Looking down my nose...)

-- Ha! You're joking right?! (I'm practicing my incredulous face as I type.)

-- Do you even know what year this is?! (Reminding them that we're living post-1940.)

-- I thought you said you were a Christian?! (Can you picture my confused face?)

-- What are you afraid of? What gives you the right to judge? Who taught you to hate? Were your parents a failure in any other important area of your life development? I'm sorry you're living such a bland life! There...now I'm getting warmed up!

But self-righteous, uncaring, unkind haters don't really want a conversation, do they...

I love my gay friends. I'd do anything to shield them from unnecessary and unwarranted harm (any harm, actually; but you know what I mean). I really care about the plight of the LGBT community and the injustices they face routinely -- even daily. My heart aches for friends who really ache. I cry for people who hurt. I'm protective of people who are vulnerable to abuses and bullying...and I don't ever want to lose my tenderness! I cry most of all when I know there are LGBT people crying alone, in pain, and when called-to-love Christians delight in their suffering. They think it's deserved. That is confusing given the biblical call to love... 

So, radio microphone people and those who nod at their venomous words: Leave my friends alone! If you can't live or love like Jesus, then stop using his name. You're living the ugliness of Titus 1:16 and don't seem to realize it: "They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him..."

To any/all gay people suffering at the hands and voices of "Christian" people, please know: "Hateful Christian" IS an oxymoron...so please feel free to use Titus 1:16 against them (oops, I mean to help them!)...with my blessing! :-) I love you...Steve xo

[Get used to reading/hearing that verse from me...I love it! Like a cream pie in the face of that ilk!]

Respite from the LGBT tussle

I've been in hiding. The battle got to be too strong for me. And I knew that if I wanted to be in this for the long-haul (which I do!), I'd have to pull back for a while, learn some lessons about the stewardship of my mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, then get back to work!

So, here I am.

My work? To speak, live, and love where love isn't found. To fight for those who are being bullied. To speak a word of justice where injustice is found. To decry the wrongs all around me. To take the beating for others who simply don't deserve it. I want to be a protector of people.

But all those things -- my big-dream aspirations -- are costly. They sap my energies and resources. And I need to have something to share in order to share!

And I was running on "empty" for too long and paid the price.


-- My feelings had been hurt.
-- My heart had become raw with ache.
-- I was exhausted from too many word battles.
-- The days were becoming darker than I could endure...
-- And the nights were becoming long and lonely.

My battle/my work/my purpose is to stand between. To hold hands with my LGBT sisters and brothers on one side and my LGBT-hating brothers and sisters (too often represented by "the church") on the other side and draw them together. To call them to speak and listen, to love and forgive, to help and heal, to wait and hope. To be a buffer to protect either "side" from the harm each side wanted to inflict. (Too much!)

We live in a fractured and fractious world. And I think people are tired of fighting over something that isn't a battle. They should be tired! Shouting and hating and anger and belligerence are exhausting...

I still believe -- no, that's wrong: I believe more than ever! -- that the onus is solidly on "the church" to knock it off! It's time for the church to be the church. To accept what the bible really has to say about how we live and love. To take Jesus' example as a man who lived to bring about real justice and to fight against expressions of real injustice. And to dare to speak words of love and to live a life of love -- though hard to do.

Looking into the eyes of too many gay friends, and listening to their pain-infused stories, reminds me that I have to do my part. We all do!

I have to be well to be useful. And I'm well. I'm ready. I'm on the job! And my focus on what I know to be right is going to be redoubled. But this time I'll use better sense about being strong and staying strong! I'll let my friends be my friends. I'll tell the truth about how hard it is sometimes to feel alone and lonely in what I want to do and be. And I'll remember that I'm not alone! We're in this thing together...right?

Love ya! :-) Steve xo

LGBT Encouragement

Do you have a favorite word? I do! It's "encourage." It reminds me that I have the power to "Give Courage" to the people in my life. As do the people in mine!

But my daily life is full to overflowing with dis-couragers. Robbers of courage. Robbers of strength. Robbers of joy.

Which are you? Encourager or Discourager?

I fret over and fear the Christian discouragers more than any others these days. The obvious lesson that "A Christians who hates isn't a Christian at all" doesn't seem to be believed across the board!

I think the ultimate slap-on-the-face for Christians who dabble in hate is Titus 1:16-17 -- "They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good." 'Cause if you're one of them, you oughta prove it in the way you live! Unlike a clerk typist who can't type, or a violin player who doesn't play violin, or an Olympic skater who can't skate. Love is what a Christian is and does best!

If there's one thing Christians oughta be amazing at, it's loving. Everyone!

I'm happy that a lot of my gay friends understand the Christian requirement (not least of all because so many of my gay friends are themselves Christians!) and don't panic about Christian hate. They know who's living right and who isn't. But some of my LGBT friends really do feel the pain of Christians -- and more darkly "the church" -- being purposefully against them. They know there's hate, anger, disgust -- because it's directed right at them!

Love your enemy...
Love your neighbor...
Love one another...
Love sincerely...
Love.

The central gospel, the heart of the bible? I'm surprised at those who overlook or ignore the broad, whole-bible themes yet take up hateful causes based on bits-and-piecesof the bible. Weird, huh?

I honestly don't care how deeply ignorant I am of theological nuances and micromatters as long as I get the first things right that Jesus says I ought to get right: love God, and love YOU! :-)  (Just wish some people weren't quite so hard to love...lol.)

Anyhoo, thanks for giving me the courage to press on in my quest to be the ultimate lover of people...everyone...everywhere...including you. Be an encourager -- that's a worthy use of a life!

Love Steve xo

LGBT Inconvenience

I got married when I wanted, where I wanted, to the person I love. I never thought it would be a problem, and it wasn't! Because I'm a man, and I married a woman.

I recently met a fantastic couple who couldn't. Because they're both men. They didn't have what I had -- a room full of family and friends, local church, big party. Because they had to travel far from home to get married. Because they're both men.

I feel really selfish writing about this because -- truth be told -- I seldom really stop to think about what I have so easily compared with what others struggle so hard to get -- or, worse, never get. (Seems I need to exercise my heart and mind justice muscles a lot more!)

As I asked my new friends for the details of their meeting, falling in love, proposal, wedding, and life together, I could sense twinges of sadness in their happy story. None of it had come easily. And it wasn't just laws or lack of laws getting in the way; families still struggle sometimes to accept their sons and daughters, brothers and sisters. It's the greatest of human tragedies when family love fails.

I wanted to grab them both in a tight bear hug and whisper, "I'm so sorry..." because their love is real, their dedication to each other is real, their hopes and dreams are just like mine -- home, family, children, love, longevity, security, hope, and a safe area to live where their love wouldn't become an inconvenience or problem to others. (I've certainly never had to wonder if my wife and son and our life together would be a bother to anyone.) With sad regret on their behalf, my life dreams have come to reality much more easily than theirs.

Do we really want to continue so purposefully and needlessly creating sadness and hurt? Face-to-face with these two great guys, I felt complicit.

Why can't they be who they are? What are we afraid of? Why don't we want for others -- everyone -- what we so readily have for ourselves? (Fill in any subject!) When did that kind of selfishness become OK?

Can't tell you how glad I am to have met these two husbands. Not because of their labels, but just because of who they are.

I want you to marry the person you love.

I want you to get married wherever you want.

I want you surrounded by loving family and friends throughout your life.

I want your dreams to come true.

I want you to be happy -- now and always...

...without fighting, struggling, or being inconvenienced in any needless way just because you are who you are.

Love, Steve :-) xo

Overcoming LGBT Ignorance

I am amazed at the ignorance that I read and hear from the most surprising sources -- especially Christian friends who really oughta know better. Every day Twitter and Facebook are full to overflowing with exceptional examples. Actually, not just ignorance -- but arrogance, mannerlessness, and basic, home-grown stupidity -- not forgetting plenty of hate. BUT -- and I think this will surprise you! -- I'm relieved, even glad, when I hear or read these wretched things because there is nothing more toxic or more dangerous than hidden or whispered hate. When "it" comes out into the open, then we can do something about it.

But where can someone go to safely say ignorant things, think about them, regret them, change, grow, and move on? Or are we destined to keep people stuck in their ignorance?

I'm sure grateful that I have people in my life who help me. I have friends I can talk to. I have my local LGBT community center where people listen and help me understand. I have opportunities to interact with a huge variety of people -- helpfully, not hurtfully. I'm sincerely grateful for the people in my life who hold me to account for what I believe, as well as how I act on what I believe. The people who love me best also expect the most from me -- they believe in my highest and best self and expect me to live it out in every way! I want to...I really do! But not everyone has what I have, and I'm sorry about that.

Too often neither side of a topic of fury is the least bit interested in chit-chatting about their differences. Certainly not interested in quietly and respectfully listening to the offending party! They're not interested in unity and understanding. They're interested in being right, being heard, being smug. Completely unappealing; completely unhelpful, too. I want to be something different, something better; I want to accomplish something helpful.

I am so grateful for those miracle moments when quiet voices of reason break through -- when, somehow, the gentle, wise voices -- often quiet whispers -- become the focal point for right and good. When the hateful folks described in the first paragraph are left raw, knowing that the harmfulness of their ways has been laid bare for all to see and decry. Oh, if only we'd allow the haters to safely face themselves in the mirror! We have to believe that change is possible -- I do! Though it's hard sometimes...

Right will win. Right is winning. But does it have to happen so slowly? We are not -- as a country, or more broadly as the global family of humanity -- evolving far enough or fast enough for my liking! But we know that change that will last sometimes has to come slowly to be realized fully. Patience really isn't theoretical -- it's potently needed in the hard conversations. We can't let up. We can't give up. We can't slow up. We can't shut up. (But we can lower the tone and volume!) But if we want the world to be what it can and should be -- for everyone -- we have to be patient with people who don't know better -- yet -- for whatever reason. And we have to allow for space to be open, honest, ignorant -- if change is really our goal.

So, what am I gonna do about all this ranting of mine? What are you going to do in the midst of incendiary arguments? Let's go for it -- patience, kindness, grace -- these will win! Let's win together...Steve :-) xo

LGBT wisdom from Winnie the Pooh and friends

As we all know, Winnie the Pooh and his friends are all very wise. Here's just one excellent proof from dear Piglet -- “The things that make me different are the things that make me, Me."

Sadly for me, the things that make me different very often make people dislike me -- even before they know me! They also sometimes make me feel badly about myself. The truth is, there are lots of times in my life when I don't want to be me! My recurring comment to those who joke about me to my face is, "If you think it's hard being with me, try being me!" After all, I'm all I've got, and I'm stuck with me!

How do we learn that being different is bad? What are the nuances of growing up that make us think being homogeneous is better than being uniquely you and me? And why do those old, crushing voices echo so loudly through the years? Oh, the power of the human psyche! Ugh.

It shouldn't be so hard to be who you are! Here are the things that help make me uniquely me and that so often get me into trouble!

...I'm loudly extroverted.
...I hug everyone.
...I laugh and smile a lot. (That really freaks people out for some reason!)
...I love everyone. (Especially if everyone else hates them or gives up on them.)
...I don't care about sports teams of any kind, but I do like playing sports.
...Gray is my favorite color. (Really! Don't judge me! Lol...)
...I prefer a roomful of strangers to a roomful of friends.
...I'll talk to anyone.
...It's nearly impossible for me to hide my feelings.
...I only have highs and lows.
...My external and internal selves don't always jive.
...I cry easily. (I'm a tender feller!)
...I doubt everyone's love for me.
...I play the piano to cathart.

I wish I was (subjunctive/"were" felt too prissy) quiet and gentle, slow and steady, solid and sure. But I'm not; it's just not who I am. I'm trying to temper the me in me as I get older. But sometimes it's fake; that's not me. And I don't want to fight any more. I want to be a good me, but man that's hard work! Seems to me it shouldn't be so hard to be who I am!

And for so many of my gay friends and colleagues, trying just to be who they are can be so much harder because of the overt hate of too, too many people. (Yes, I know that's ridiculous in 2014! Just a sad reality, huh.)

I was at a gathering of some amazing folks the other evening at the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center talking about the exciting future for that vital unifying place. And, as I looked around the room, I found it absolutely thrilling to see the marvelous variety of men and women! It was one of those rare places and experiences where diversity wasn't the least bit "tolerated" -- it was prized! It's a place where you being you -- or trying to be you though in the face of harsh and cruel pressures of the hating world -- is considered a beautiful gift! There was love and laughter, heart sharing and tenderness, challenge and daring thinking in a way that I have seldom known elsewhere. It's a place where you don't have to be afraid.

The LGBT conundrum, from the perspective of my little corner of the world, is finding out where, when, and how to be real. It's overcoming the ache and fear that comes from being wonderfully unique and being treated badly for it. It's knowing who you are and people wanting you not to be you. It's being lovable and good and hopeful like anyone else but being given double and triple challenges just to be accepted. Yeah, I know we've made progress and we're making progress right now -- but as long as any LGBT man, woman, boy, or girl has to hang their head, hoping, wondering where they're safe and how they'll make it through today, we've got work to do! Big work -- and lots of it! Are you someone who helps or harms the cause?

I have places to go for safety and refuge -- where I can be the real me. I hope you do, too!

Love and hugs, Steve :-) xo

p.s. "If everybody were like everybody else, how boring it would be." -- A helpful reminder from our dreary friend, Eeyore

Empathy is best applied in silence...

If you want to get into the hearts of people, you have to use the right tools! I'm finally learning (ridiculously late in life!) that some of the obvious ones are still the best ones, like silence, gentle replies, shared laughter, and shared tears.

The two main reasons why we don't get very far with people who hate or disagree or argue? No one wants to listen, but everyone wants to be heard! If it weren't rude, I'd tell everyone to shut up and don't speak again until you can hold a conversation that allows for both speaking AND listening! And, if words are absolutely required, how about using some gentle ones?

Anjelica Huston says it perfectly (though with wrong intentions) to her daughter in the film "Ever After":

"...don't speak unless you can improve the silence."

I've come face to face with myself recently and have learned to my shame that my extroversion really has to be held in check more, and I need to practice the proposed art of shutting up! As a man who wants to love and lift people's spirits, I mean that sincerely! More often than not, words really aren't even necessary when trying to love someone. A sense of empathy, shared tears or laughter more than meet the need. Empathy is best applied in silence.

And, when words do become necessary, gentle ones sure seem to work much more effectively than angry ones -- especially when disagreement is part of the conversation. Some of the old wisdom never fails to help:

"...a gentle word can get through to the hard-headed."

I'm trying some experiments with that theory -- which requires some intentionality on my part. And because it's a person on the other side of the sharing, I know the effort is always worth it. I'm going to try to lower my voice, slow down, speak more quietly, and make sure the intentions behind this effort are completely sincere.

And if silence or gentle words don't build the hoped-for bridge between people, there's always laughter!

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." -- Mark Twain

I have laughed with people who hate me more than ever in the last few months. And it's an amazing catharsis; it changes everything in the relationship. It feels good. It's healing. Laughter helps create a safer environment for discussing our differences with less venom and a comfortable space for comparing the parallels of our lives with a lot more pleasure. Every time. I'll be a clown or buffoon because I know that laughter can help sledgehammer walls that divide as much as -- perhaps even more than! -- anything else ever could! And with a lot less grief...

And finally, when hearts open, and we get to really love one another for who we are, then sometimes even tears are welcome! Tears of empathy and love and shared pain -- or tears of shared joy and laughter! Oh, those times the tears have come, and I'm willing to be vulnerable to another person, those are sacred moments that change the world -- because they change me!

I want desperately to be a catalyst for positive change wherever I go, with whoever I meet, especially where hate and hurt are so strong. So, I pledge all the best I have to offer -- silence, gentle words, laughter, and tears -- and anything else that will help love to reign!

Let me know what you think...I'll be listening! :-) Steve xo

LGBT: Fragile! Please handle with care...

Most folks have put the Christmas baubles away for the season, but would you mind picturing one of those old-fashioned, round, and very fragile glass balls? That's the perfect picture of how we should treat the people in our lives: very gingerly placed into our hands to tend, love, and care for. And yet, some folks smash people to pieces as though of little more value than a simple, glass bauble! Heartbreaking in terms of basic humanity.

I ache when I know I've hurt someone's feelings. And I'll do whatever I can to make things right -- not least of all apologizing with all due sincerity! That's a huge change in my life from when I was a young man and enjoyed being belligerent, provocative, and combative. (Forgive me, I'm being too kind to me -- the truth is, I was a mean and hate-filled young man!) I'm paying for those harsh years by living now with a tender heart and ready tears for the pain of others. I like the change, though it's costly.

I don't think I've ever seen such hurt and harm as in the great LGBT debate. And, if you know me at all, you'll know my take on the "debate" and where my voice will be used! I'm very protective of the LGBT community and resent the pain endured through the hate and anger of those who speak and write what should never be spoken or written!

Where have all these dark conversations come from? And who decided that it's OK to be so overtly mean? Choices of words, tones of voices, themes and inferences so dastardly that I wish I could somehow block them from the viewing and hearing of every gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender person anywhere and everywhere!

The phrase I'm hearing more and more from those interested in the health and wellbeing of the gay world is, "Who even talks like that?!" I like the question because -- though rhetorical -- it's easily answered! People who spout such hatred and vitriol are ignorant, limited individuals who need to do some learning about the basic attributes of human decency!

To think that any good can come of spouting and spewing is pure folly.

The greatest concern I have globally is that the church would reclaim its voice for good -- for help, not harm. I pray the church becomes exemplary in living out grace and mercy. I plead with those called to love, to love -- and not selectively! I wish the use of voice and silence would be equally valued and both rightly used. I dare those who claim to be something good, holy, and pure would live it out through gentleness, kindness, and goodness.

None of that is too much to ask. In fact, it's pretty foundational.

Let's choose to do anything and everything we can to stop the hurt. Let's choose gentle, kind, and helpful words over the other options. Let's choose the high road even if others choose the low road. Let's choose quiet replies even when louder ones feel more appropriate. Let's not respond quickly and thoughtlessly when a little time to calm the conversation will bring about a much more productive result. Let's value each other as the unique and marvelous individuals we are!

Maybe that's too much to ask? Nah! We can do it...starting...NOW! :-)

Cheering you on as you cheer me on. Let's work together to bring loving kindness back into vogue. Love, Steve xo

...a gentle word can get through to the hard-headed. (Proverbs 25:15)

A Helpful LGBT Example

Why aren't you you? Why aren't I me? Because we so often play up to someone else, trying to satisfy their expectations. And when we finally have a quiet space to listen to our head and heart -- honestly -- it's just so terrifying, we have to get out as quickly as possible. (Sorry I'm using plural -- I'm really talking about me, but I can't face this alone!)

I stopped for just a brief moment to ask who I'm playing up to these days, and I'm irritated with myself. The people whose endorsement or nod of approval means so much, most of them are of no true significance to me being my best, fullest, most whole self. Why do I sell myself so often to the cheapest bidder? Why do I give them power over me to be less than I should be, to sink to their low level of humanity, to try to earn their acceptance and approval?

I seem to always have at least one person in my life who, quite simply, does not accept me just as I am -- though, if you ask me, I don't think I that bad or that hard to love. But, put one important person in my path who's contrary or difficult, and my bend-over-backwards attempts at acceptance go into overdrive!

But I have a good example to learn from. We're in a healthy and helpful period in history when a whole segment and vital part of our society -- the LGBT Community -- is giving me the example I need -- saying, "No more!" They've determined that others don't set their life rules. They -- at long last -- get to be who they are -- lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. I'm glad that more and more gay people are so far ahead of me. They're refusing to play the acceptance games. They're refusing to blend in. They're refusing to be who anyone thinks they oughta be. They're simply being who they are. And that's a beautiful example to us all -- certainly to me! Are you openly and completely you? And, if not, who are you allowing to cause you to shrink or hide?

Even though it's probably a tired theme, the closet isn't a wrong metaphor. And many of them have a doorknob on each side. Is someone holding your closet door shut, not letting you out to be whoever you are (that's not just a gay theme after all!), or are you holding yourself in? Or have you simply given up on life, curled up in a ball on a heap of rumpled clothes in the closet, intent on never being brave enough to be you?

Come out, come out whoever you are! And be who you are. Don't wait. Don't ask permission. Don't dither or delay. Just be the person you've always been meant to be -- full of joy, love, smiles, and laughter. Don't believe the liars -- you deserve to be you, and you deserve to be happy!

I promise to be me, if you promise to be you! :-) Love, Steve xo

Some inspiration:

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Always be a first rate version of yourself and not a second rate version of someone else.” ― Judy Garland

“Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.” ― Harvey Fierstein

“About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all.” ― Rita Mae Brown

An LGBT Pep Talk!

Playing in a stadium or performing in a theatre is much more fun with a crowd cheering you on!

Who celebrates you? Who cheers for you? Who backs you up, and talks to everyone about you, and can't wait to be with you, and is excited at the very thought of you? If you can't picture anyone, at least know that I'm cheering for you! :-) And I'm inviting people to fill your life stadium to celebrate you! Just imagine it...

We all need people in our lives who love us, adore us, like us, cherish us...we all need to know that we're wanted.

I know parents and neighbors and church members (even clergy!) and too many others who have made it patently clear that gay folks are not wanted. How does that sit with you? What if it were you they were sneering at? If I were to be allowed an opinion, I think gay folks sure have endured more than their fair share of roughing up. The LGBT community's enemies' words, facial expressions, body language, writings, rantings, and gestures confirm their distaste all too plainly. The reason I find that so despicable is that the hate is often founded on nothing more than labels, not based on a relationship or knowledge of the real person! It's one thing to hate someone because of some harm they might have caused; but it's disgusting -- is reprehensible too strong a word? -- to hate without any reason!

For example, if examples were even necessary: What kind of a person turns a New Year's Eve celebration into a terrorizing event? What kind of person would set a building on fire -- a well-known gay bar in Seattle -- with 750 party-goers above? Who thinks hate and attempted murder and this kind of action are OK? Who taught that kind of hate?

http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2014/01/seattle-new-years-eve-arson-attempt-at.html

There are too many traumatizing stories in the global LGBT community in the last year that need to wake us all and shake us all into action! (Too many with much sadder results than the fire -- broken bones, bruises, maimings, death; not forgetting the emotional trauma of fear, intimidation, bullying.) The LGBT community doesn't just need allies to come alongside, sometimes the community needs advocates who dare to speak out/on behalf of, to stand in front of and protect, who work behind the scenes, who pay the price, who dare to take up the cause because it's just the right thing to do! We need to be people who won't give up, won't shut up, won't be satisfied, won't say "It's OK" when it's not, won't stop living and loving and learning about how justice and right have to play out in this season of history.

We have to feel passionately; we have to share the pain. We need everyone to do their part. We need to spend less time worrying about, or fretting over, the haters; and we need to spend much more time and energy simply making things right and leaving the haters with the taste of dust in their mouths as we pass them by.

If you're overwhelmed in the fight for right, remember this excellent advice: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Hate is evil for sure, but we'll overcome with love!

We need to believe that love, acceptance, and unity not only can win, they will win! I believe you and I can make the difference -- or I wouldn't be typing right now! :-) In fact, we ARE the difference! So...add another log to the fire of your passion, and let's get going!

Cheering you on while you cheer me on! Much love...Steve xo

The best LGBT conversations include honesty, good manners, and common decency

A flat tire doesn't need much air to get a car back on the road; but you have to fix the leak, or it'll just keep deflating.

That's an illustration of how things seem to me in the ongoing onslaught against gay people: We keep filling up the tire (hoping things will get better for our LGBT friends), but there's a bad leak that goes un-repaired  (and we still seem to be losing ground)! Yes, there's some definite, real progress -- but it's too often baby steps when we should more rightly be making strides! (Sorry for the mixed metaphor of tires and strides!) And every time the LGBT community and their allies seem to have cause to smile, we're given yet another reason or two (or more!) to lose our joy! And that's very sad and hurtful and harmful to the cause of unity and mutual respect.

What's missing -- and would make all the difference -- is space to grow and learn.

It's like the game of Red rover we played as kids. We're calling each other to come over to our side, our way if thinking, but no one wants to! Funny thing in Red Rover is that there were never really any sides! When we were done with our kids' game, we'd all just collapse in one heap, laughing, smiling, reliving our silliness, glad that we were all friends together.

But hate is still doing its best work: dividing people from people, friends from friends. Where's the joy in that?

Where can people go to have a real conversation? Where can people go to honestly disagree? Where can people go to listen and be heard? Where can people go to be right or wrong? And where can we do all that without hate and anger and shouting and nastiness taking over? Where can we do that and find empathy and acceptance and good manners and common decency?

Honesty doesn't just happen; it needs a safe place to exist and grow, like a fragile orchid. It needs a safe place to be sensible or stupid. It needs a place to think out loud, measure the words, and mold them to new ways of thinking and acting. And then, most importantly, honesty needs a safe place to be corrected or helped or guided when correction, help, or guidance are needed. Without humiliation. Or embarrassment. Or cruelty. Or hate. Or harm. Or disrespect. Honesty happens when people know they're safe because it's understood that each person really does want what's best for everyone and every one.

Too many conversations of national and international importance to the LGBT community have become instant conflagrations, are routinely incendiary. (Fun using big words like that!) It's the atmosphere surrounding these conversations that makes them unhelpful -- when we desperately need helpful conversations!

I'm not sure what the best answer is, or,if there is an answer; I suppose it's different each time a conversation is raised. I'm just trying to figure out day by day how to use both my voice and my silence to best effect. But either way, I want what I do to be based on loving acceptance of people -- those I love and like, and those I continue to struggle to love and like!

Here's to renewed efforts to communicate well, love well, and create a safe environment where honest conversations can helpfully take place.

Hopeful...and wanting to be helpful! :-) Steve xo